Divorce is a misery, and so too is The Roses.
This second cinematic version of Warren Adler’s 1981 novel The War of the Roses, like its 1989 predecessor starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, fails to find anything funny about a couple whose union devolves into all-out war. This time around, it’s Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman as the husband and wife who increasingly want to wring each other’s necks (among other violent fantasies).
While both are game for this comedy of hostility, director Jay Roach and screenwriter Tony McNamara strand them in a battle marked by mirthless one-liners and cringeworthy supporting characters who are almost as dysfunctional as the protagonists. With very rare exceptions, it’s less entertaining than a year’s worth of marriage counseling.
The Roses, which hits theaters August 29, gets off on the right foot, with Theo (Cumberbatch) and Ivy (Colman) shocking their therapist with their list of praiseworthy things about their spouse, which include (for him) “I’d rather live with her than a wolf” and (for her) “He has arms.”
Unfortunately, it’s a steep downward slide from there, with the film rewinding to detail the duo’s maiden encounter in a London restaurant kitchen where Ivy is working and into which Theo has fled in order to get away from his off-putting coworkers. Theirs is a meet-cute born from Theo’s narcissism and fury, and together, they up and move to Montecito, California so Theo can live out his architect dreams and Ivy can spend her days baking elaborate concoctions with their kids.
Warning signs about Theo and Ivy’s relationship are present from the start, as when Theo chastises Ivy for pumping their son and daughter full of sugar. Nonetheless, for a spell, the good outweighs the bad, with breadwinner Theo purchasing a seaside spot for Ivy to open a restaurant that she dubs “We Got Crabs.”
That name is meant to be hilarious but isn’t, and the same is true of Theo and Ivy’s get-together with couples Barry (Andy Samberg) and Amy (Kate McKinnon), and Sally (Zoë Chao) and Rorry (Jamie Demetriou), the last of whom rudely badmouths Theo’s sailboat-inspired design for the East Bay Maritime Museum.
These pairs are also screwy and yet soldiering ahead despite their differences, and they’re a painfully obnoxious bunch, lowlighted by McKinnon as one of her usual insufferable weirdos who talks about being an “empath” and habitually comes onto Theo because, well, she’s weird.
McKinnon’s effort is inversely proportional to the number of laughs she elicits, and Samberg fares no better, albeit through no fault of his own; as it flips its central dynamic, McNamara’s script blindly searches for an amusing scenario or back-and-forth.
Due to a historic storm, Theo’s celebrated architectural wonder collapses, and a viral video of the disaster (complete with him freaking out in the foreground) ruins his reputation and career. The squall, however, proves a blessing in disguise for Ivy, as a closed freeway directs tons of customers to her struggling establishment, most notably a San Francisco Chronicle critic whose rave turns her into the latest culinary sensation.
Ivy thus begins wearing the proverbial pants in the family (and jet-setting to New York with David Chang) while Theo is relegated to Mr. Mom duty – a role that compels him to transform his children into fitness freaks. Bitterness swiftly blossoms in Ivy and David’s hearts, as she becomes resentful about losing touch with her clan and he grows jealous of his wife’s success.
In both cases, their unhappiness and anger are the byproduct of their selfishness and egomania, but by making them equally at fault and unlikable, The Roses provides no one to root for, nor says anything aside from the obvious fact that rampant self-interest is incompatible with being a good partner, parent, and person.
Of course, Roach’s film isn’t trying to be Marriage Story; it just wants to generate humor from the sight of two formerly united individuals ditching the constraints of marriage—the commitment, the compromises, the suppression of gripes and insults in service of the greater good—so they can act out their nastiest feelings. Yet in that regard, The Roses takes its sweet time getting to the main event.
To restore purpose to Theo’s life, moneybags Ivy funds his plans for their dream home. This mecca of modernist design is the thing around which their divorce will pivot, and is destined to serve as the battleground for their climactic showdown. When that arrives, it’s stunningly tame, with Theo locking Ivy in their bedroom and playing music really, really loud, and Ivy ruining Theo’s bath by throwing crabs in the water.
These gags are so stale you can practically smell them, and The Roses’ rancorous repartee isn’t better. Cumberbatch and Colman are well-suited for this conflict, and the clash between their stiff-upper-lip Englishness and seething ugliness seems ripe for exploitation. Yet the headliners are undone by material that lacks cleverness, resorting to lame bits involving setting things on fire, food fights, and two separate bouts of puking.
Crassness is more than welcome in a cinematic endeavor such as this, but there’s little inspiration to the brand peddled by Roach’s film—suggesting that whatever knack for comedy the director demonstrated decades ago (when he helmed the three Austin Powers features and the first two Meet the Parents installments) has been lost.
Danny DeVito’s original was similarly heavy on outrageous violence and light on genuine wit, but at least it had a bit of visual flair (remember the days when studio comedies boasted split diopter shots?) as well as a standout chandelier-centric finale. The Roses can’t lay claim to any such positives, its action shot in bright, flat hues and its set pieces tepid and forgettable.
A late meeting between Theo’s lawyer Barry and Colman’s legal representative Eleanor (Allison Janney) includes a choice joke about how attorneys, for all their on-the-clock antagonism, are ultimately on the same side (namely, their own).
Otherwise, the film stumbles to the finish line, at which point it doesn’t even have Theo and Ivy destroy the thing they cherish most (literally, their home; figuratively, their union). Roach’s misfire does, however, seemingly obliterate any chance that Adler’s book will get another big-screen adaptation anytime soon.
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