Courtesy of Judy Koutsky
I travel often, and whenever I do, I always ask moms of older kids (teens and older) the same question: Looking back, what are you grateful for that you did as a mom, and what would you have done differently?
Perhaps because I’ll likely never see these women again, I feel like they are always super honest with their response.
One woman told me I should ask my own mom, but I told her the reason I ask other moms is because my mom was diagnosed with dementia as soon as I had my first son.
I regret never asking my mom parenting questions, but I honestly didn’t know what to ask until I had my own kids, and by then it was too late. That’s why I ask strangers.
Asking stranger moms for advice has helped me become a better parent
Courtesy of Judy Koutsky
Answers include simple things like, I wish I had made my high school son get a crappy summer job so he would realize the value of a dollar. That advice always stayed with me, and this past summer, I made my own high school son get a camp counselor job. It turned out to be a great decision — he learned how to manage both kids, parents, and bosses, and also realized how hard you have to work to make minimum wage.
Another piece of advice from a mom I met in St. Lucia was how she was glad she met her son where he was. He was a little different and quirky — he dressed in a really unique style and his hair was completely different from the other kids — and she let him be him and not try to suggest more mainstream ways to fit in. I loved that.
Parenting is tough, and often, as moms, we want to protect our kids, so we try to shield them from hurt feelings and being excluded by other kids by suggesting ways they can assimilate or blend in.
However, I realized that by trying to make them something they are not, I’m doing a disservice to my kids. Instead, this mom’s advice helped me realize that my job, as a mom, is to accept them and their sometimes strange and quirky habits and let them know I’m there for them no matter what. The rest of the world can judge them, but my job is to accept them and make them feel safe.
So, when my son made me a paper purse in art class, I wore it proudly.
Some of the stories I hear are deeply sad
Another mom I met in Sydney told me her son committed suicide, and in hindsight, she wished she had been more present in his childhood instead of being so worried about his future. That always stayed with me.
I worry about my kids’ future — will they be happy in school, will they stay away from drugs, will they get involved in the wrong crowd? Listening to this mom, I realized that I’m missing out on the now by worrying about the future.
So, I decided to implement Kid Appreciation Day. A few times a month, whenever my kids either feel down, or want to talk to me about something, or we are celebrating a win (a good score on a math test), I take them to their favorite spot, Chipotle, and they can order anything they want.
The rule is we have to eat there and they can’t look at their phones. We go to a Chipotle two towns over, so they don’t run into their friends. I hear about the girls they like, the challenges they are having with school or friends, and the daily ins and outs of their lives.
This has completely changed my relationship with my kids. They know they can tell me anything and I’ll listen, not judge or give advice, unless they ask. Plus, spending one-on-one time together (I never take my two sons together), has really allowed me to focus on their needs as individuals. It’s our special time together, and I hope they cherish those moments as much as I do.
It’s changed my life
Courtesy of Judy Koutsky
Another mom told me she would tell her daughter, I don’t love what you did, but I love you. That’s such a great way of letting my sons know that I’m disappointed in their behavior, but I still love them.
The advice I’ve gotten over the years has always made me think and ask myself: Can I do better?
My kids are now 14 and 16, and I’m still asking moms, because I’ve been receiving great advice for 16 years. The difference is, now people ask my advice back.
I tell them I never regret traveling with my kids — even if it means pulling them out of school. I am also so grateful that I volunteered all the time when they were in elementary school — I was pizza mom, fruit Friday mom, art appreciation mom (even though I suck at art), and field day mom. Now that they are in high school, they don’t want me around school, but they loved it as kids. It’s one of the best things I did.
The post I ask strangers for parenting advice when I’m traveling. It’s made me a better mom. appeared first on Business Insider.
