He reads bell hooks, buys ethically sourced oat milk, and wears linen with a smug sort of grace. He compliments your shadow work journal and always asks for consent. On paper, he’s the dream. But according to relationship experts—and thousands of TikTokers—he might just be performing emotional intelligence like he knows everyone’s watching.
The “performative male” is the latest toxic dating trope surfacing on TikTok, where videos racking up millions of views show soft-spoken guys sipping matcha, reading on escalators, or winning imaginary boyfriend contests.
3 Subtle Signs You’re Dating a ‘Performative Male’
He seems emotionally available, but that’s the act. “You might find he’s simply selling the illusion of emotional depth, without actually putting in any real effort,” says Sara Tang, a certified sexologist and relationship coach at sexual wellness brand Nancy.
Below, Tang breaks down three subtle signs you might be dating a guy who’s more invested in his image than your relationship:
1. He needs an audience to care
If he only expresses affection in Instagrammable ways or needs public validation to feel secure, it’s worth paying attention. “Genuine connection doesn’t need an audience,” says Tang. “It thrives in private, low-stakes moments. If it disappears when no one’s watching, that’s not intimacy. That’s performance.”
2. His words don’t line up with his actions
He’ll talk about “doing the work” but ghost you mid-conversation when things get too real. He preaches self-awareness but can’t handle being called out. “Authenticity means consistency,” says Tang. “If he shifts depending on who’s in the room, that’s a red flag—not growth.”
3. He avoids real vulnerability
Surface-level openness is easy. Real vulnerability requires risk. If he never admits to fears, flaws, or uncomfortable emotions, you might be dating his persona—not him. “He’s focused on projecting an idealized version of himself,” Tang explains. “That creates connection theater, not connection.”
To figure out if your partner is actually emotionally available, Tang recommends watching how they behave when the performance stops. “Pay attention to how he acts when things aren’t going his way. That’s the person you’re dating—not the curated one.”
Performative behavior isn’t always malicious, but it’s rarely sustainable. “Meaningful connection can’t be faked,” Tang says. “It’s built through consistent vulnerability, not aesthetically pleasing feminism.”
The post 3 Signs You’re Dating a Performative Male—TikTok’s Latest Toxic Trend appeared first on VICE.
