My partner and I have been seeing each other for two and a half years. We’re planning to move in together next year, and if all goes well, to get married the year after that. The problem: Neither of us is super excited about moving in together. I like living alone, and I’m concerned about losing my independence. My girlfriend is concerned about having to deal with my small quirks. We’ve even discussed looking for a two-bedroom apartment, so we can have defined spaces to be alone. Make no mistake, we love each other deeply. And we recognize that there are many benefits to moving in together, such as advancing our relationship. Do we have a problem?
BOYFRIEND
I think you have the opposite of a problem: Through good communication, you and your girlfriend have identified an issue that was probably awkward to raise and to discuss. But you did it. Well done! To me, this bodes well for your relationship. And since there is no single answer here, let’s consider a few options.
Regardless of which apartment you plan to live in — hers, yours or one you haven’t found yet — you can experiment now, in your current spaces, by designating zones and blocks of time in which you can be alone. Healthy couples are rarely together 24/7, and scheduling time and space for independence can be an important part of caring for yourself and your relationship. Now, this may be easier to pull off in a larger apartment, as you suggest, but you can still try it now.
Let me add that there is no one way to advance your relationship, as you put it — and it certainly doesn’t require shared real estate. I know a happily married couple who have lived in separate apartments in the same building for 30 years! This may not be your aim, but keep talking about what’s working and what isn’t. That’s the important thing. It seems to me that you and your girlfriend are off to a healthy start.
A Guest With Pre-Wedding Jitters
Our adult son’s girlfriend is transgender. This is not an issue for us. But we are all invited to our nephew’s wedding, and his branch of the family is socially conservative. I have heard passing remarks from them over the years that indicate potential transphobia. The bridegroom’s family has never met our son’s girlfriend, nor do they know she is trans, but everyone has deep affection for our son. Do we owe the bridegroom or his parents any warning?
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The post My Partner and I Aren’t Excited to Move In Together. Is That Bad? appeared first on New York Times.
