I’ve spent a decade writing and editing greeting cards. I hate most ‘thank you’ notes — with one huge exception.

I have a secret: I really hate thank-you notes.

Now, for most people, that might not be the biggest deal. After all, the heyday of the greeting card has long since passed, and these days, plenty of folks don’t send mail at all.

However, those people also likely didn’t spend a decade working in the greeting-card industry.

There’s a big difference between ‘obligatory’ thank-you cards and ones from the heart

Throughout my career, I’ve edited and written cards for places like Hallmark, American Greetings, and Lovepop.

One of the most useful things I learned was a term called “obligatory sending” — the idea that you’re “required” to send certain cards if you don’t want to seem rude.

Most thank-you notes fall into this category, especially the sort that get sent en masse, such as after a graduation or wedding.

Let’s be clear: I’m not against gratitude, and I understand why my mom insisted I write thank-you notes as a kid.

However, in my opinion, gifts should always be about sharing something with a person you care about — not the gratitude they show in return.

Personally, I don’t need a “thank you for the toaster” note after an event like a bridal shower. The hosts already invited me to share their big moment, usually throwing an elaborate party in the process.

Consider my present a “thank you for including me,” and let’s just call it even. (Rinse and repeat this approach with any graduations, baby showers, birthday parties, or other big shindigs.)

This doesn’t mean I hate all thank-you cards, though. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

To me, the ones that matter are the ones that you were never obligated to send. They’re cards from my mentees at work, sharing the ways that they’ve grown thanks to my help. Or ones I’ve received during tough times that tell me how much I’ve helped someone in the past and remind me I have a support system, too.

They’re the thank-yous that are unexpected, but never unwanted — ones that come straight from the heart.

One experience always reminds me of the power of genuine gratitude over obligatory politeness

A few years ago, my mom was sick with terminal cancer. During chemo, she had trouble eating and drinking much of anything, and she had an intolerance for any cold or spicy foods.

By that point, my mom was reluctant to go to most restaurants. She hated feeling like a “bother” to the staff, and too often, waiters would interpret her requests for ice-free drinks and spice-free foods as high-maintenance customer nitpicking.

However, we found sanctuary when we visited a nearby Indian restaurant, Taj Palace. The welcoming staff took my mom’s concerns seriously without making her feel singled out.

When the owner learned that masala chai (a type of tea) was one thing my mom could almost always enjoy, he insisted we stop by whenever it would help — and he was always ready with a cup (or several).

After my mom died, my family brought Taj Palace a card to let them know and, more importantly, to ensure they knew how much their kindness had meant to us.

Five years later, the thank-you card from my family is still on the wall, prominently displayed next to the counter.

Whenever I see it, it reminds me that even the smallest things, like a cup of tea, may have a huge impact — and that saying “thank you” really does matter, and sometimes a card is the best way to do so.

I still hate most thank-you notes, and you won’t find me writing the “obligatory” sort anytime soon.

But for those who’ve made a real difference? Well, those are the cards that I’ll always want to send.

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