I loved living abroad in Mexico, but thought taking a job in Chicago would help me settle down. It was a big letdown.

After spending most of my adult years living outside of the US, including seven years in Asia, and two in Mexico, I started wondering if it was time to settle down.

I grew up in Northeast, Ohio, but besides a few months during the pandemic, I hadn’t lived there full-time since I was 18.

I loved life abroad, from immersing myself in different cultures to the lower cost of living, but I was starting to want more stability.

Plus, I was lonely and a bit envious of friends back home who were hitting different milestones like getting married, buying property, and having children.

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So I thought I’d lucked out when, in early 2021, I accepted a social media job offer at a small nonprofit newsroom in Chicago.

I was living in Mexico at the time, but excitedly packed my bags for the coolest city in the Midwest. Unfortunately, it wasn’t what I’d hoped for.

Embarking on a new chapter

The job was remote, though I was required to live in the city, and the work often seemed beyond the scope of my role. It regularly felt like nothing I did was enough.

By April, I was crying almost daily. Sometimes it was before logging on, other times it was during lunch or after logging off.

To help with the stress, I practiced breathing exercises before meetings and started taking anxiety medication.

By that summer, though, I was no longer at the company. I figured I’d find something new in no time, but I was wrong.

I threw myself into the job hunt to little avail

I applied to hundreds of jobs. I wrote countless bespoke cover letters and cold emails, and spread the word of my job hunt to friends and colleagues.

While I secured some interviews and picked up freelance work here and there, I mostly stayed in my apartment, refreshing LinkedIn and trying not to crash out.

Then, in November, my brother died, and nothing else mattered anymore.

In the midst of grief, the world kept moving

The grief came in hot, rude, and disorienting.

In the weeks before my brother died, I’d just gotten back on some dating apps and had started going out to more shows and making more of an effort with my social life.

However, afterward, I couldn’t focus on anything. Dating was out of the question. And it was difficult to maintain, and sometimes even create, friendships and other connections because they just felt transactional.

I missed the connections that seemed to come so much easier abroad. I also found it hard to maintain or reconnect with people in Chicago that I had known before. The city is big, and people’s priorities and interests change.

It hasn’t all been bad

Last year, I got the opportunity to write a self-help book on sober-curiosity. I also got a part-time, 1-year assignment at a local university.

Despite these small wins, Chicago is an expensive city, and my earnings made life a struggle. When my contract with the university was over in May, I had nothing solid lined up.

All I knew was that I couldn’t stay in Chicago, so I’m back in Ohio, trying to figure out what my next steps are.

Looking back, I’m not sure if my move to Chicago was worth it. I’m debating different next steps, like returning to graduate school or moving back to Asia. I don’t have it figured out just yet, but I know this ain’t it.

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