Real Housewives of Miami star Larsa Pippen is still learning what it means to be a human being, but she’s grasped one essential to the American experience: the art of victimhood. Resident alien, Larsa knows a thing or two about how to make everything about herself, but she’s going up against the master of the craft.
Yes, Lisa Hochstein has had a rough week. No, she doesn’t want to talk about it, so don’t ask. Fine, fine, if you must really know, she had to fly all the way to St. Barth’s to handle some divorce litigation, and if you question that, you’re anti-woman.
Two sides of the same coin, Lisa and Larsa share more than the same face. They’re simply obsessed with the idea of themselves, and they have no capacity for anything outside of that. After a six-episode reprieve, their feud is back and more aimless than ever. Will Lisa unfollow Larsa’s ex or lose her spot on Larsa’s grid for good?
Things are really tense in the most beautiful city in the world. A trip to Seville has changed very little for The Real Housewives of Miami, except giving them exciting new spots to fight, like the cobblestone streets before Mango Teen and the hotel lobby. These women are really good fighters and really horrible friends, as it should be.
Even split in two, the group can’t find its way to peace and harmony. Group A consists of some landmines, but it’s not Adriana who launches after Marysol, but Stephanie. The bunhead is very annoyed with yet another employee of her pristine company, Marysol, having ended last night’s argument with a testament to Alexia’s stupendous fighting skills. Stephanie is sick and tired of everyone being a lap dog, especially when she’s been trying to buy one all season and they’re all sold out.
It’s just really confusing to Stephanie why Marysol and Alexia are nice and loyal to each other. She’s never had a friend before. Do you hang out with them outside company hours… for fun? Maybe Stephanie’s an alien, too.
But no one can be as wonderfully tone deaf as Larsa, the queen of pivoting every situation back to herself. This trip might be about helping Alexia through her separation that’s not a divorce even though it is, but she’s not the only one who went through a bad breakup.
“I feel like it’s really important for your friends to know that they have your back and I really want to be there for Alexia and I want to show her love and support… but has anyone asked Lisa if she’s unfollowed my ex-boyfriend?” Larsa says.
Lisa, of course, has no plans to unfollow Marcus Jordan, despite previously saying she would. That was then. This is now. Let’s live in the moment, Pips.
Larsa’s just confused, because back on her home planet, following people on Instagram is a declaration of forever loyalty. Where she’s from, if her grandpa and grandma broke up, she’d unfollow her grandpa. That’s girl code.
“I’m always going to side with the woman!” Larsa declares, which is obviously true and we have five seasons of Larsa footage to prove that. And if you don’t think so, you’re doubly anti-woman. Why are you following Larsa’s grandpa!? Do you want to s— gout d— too?
“You were not missed yesterday. Best believe that,” Larsa tells Lisa, before calling her a groupie. Once Lisa has time to process that, she retorts that Larsa’s the groupie. “What… What… You dated him!” The fight goes through the streets, over the river, and into the Ratatouille Collection. If you ask Larsa and Lisa what their favorite sight of Seville was, they’d probably ask you what Seville is.
Back in their rooms, the ladies can finally relax and—oh… nevermind, Jody’s on the phone calling Larsa a predator. Larsa almost broke Lisa and Jody up! She called his eyes big! She implied he did coke when he only probably did! How much can one man take?
Down in the lobby, Larsa gathers the troops to let them know that Lisa still hasn’t unfollowed Marcus, which they all care about a ton. No, really. Their eyes are glazed over because of the jet lag, that’s all.
“I think that if Lisa would unfollow Marcus, that could only… bring her closer to Larsa. I mean that’s what friends… do,” Julia explains in a confessional, in her best impression of a human.
The fight continues, somehow, into the taxi cab, where Julia takes on Lisa for standing by Marcus despite his misogynistic claim that this cast couldn’t even do dishes in his house. Well, Lisa understands that was uncouth, but if she combed through everyone’s follower list, she’d certainly find a dud or two, she declares. Lisa, for her part, follows Candace Owens. That’s called leading by example.
The two talk over each other all the way to the spiritual flamenco class, a form of healing that does provide some reprieve, however brief it may be. Maybe four, five minutes.
At dinner, half the ladies all sport their best “ladies in red” look, while Larsa dons white in support of her Angel on Earth tour. Here, we discover that the fighting continued all the way into the elevator, a lawless place of no cameras. Having moved beyond who’s following who, Lisa and Larsa turn their attention back to Milan, where Larsa scuffled with Jody.
That leads Jody to send Larsa dozens upon dozens of texts, allegedly. They’re not threatening; they’re just long. And we’ve already established that Larsa can’t read. They don’t do that on her planet. And men don’t text women back there. Jody should’ve texted Larsa’s dad or brother, apparently, who surely would’ve reported “Maybe: Jody Lastname” as spam.
“It is literally taking everything in me for me to sit here and pretend I am okay when I am literally shaken by the whole situation,” Larsa says in a confessional, before throwing the most dramatic fit ever seen. Guess she didn’t feel like pretending.
Lisa is hit with several urgent emails, needing to notarize some divorce documents within the hour, which seriously sucks even though she’s surely been aware of this for weeks, if not months. How can anyone expect Lisa to handle this? First of all, she has ADD.
Lisa runs off in a huff, and Larsa immediately bursts into tears about how annoying Lisa’s situation is for her. She showed up a day late. She didn’t unfollow Marcus. And now she’s getting an email!? It’s too much.
Larsa literally doesn’t want to make a scene at all, but Lisa keeps playing victim and it’s just really, seriously hard to be around. Everyone at the table thinks Lisa’s the worst, but Larsa’s the only one selfless enough to tell her.
Lisa sits there with a big question mark on her face. How is Larsa making herself the victim here… Lisa was literally minding her own business and now she’s too busy crying to notarize anything. She had no idea Jody was texting Larsa so much! She’s just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Can someone call a notary, for Christ’s sake?
Gosh, it really is so tough watching these women go through peril. I don’t like to be hyperbolic, but I think Lisa and Larsa are the bravest people alive, traversing struggles no one has ever encountered. It’s so tough.
As for the other things that happened tonight, well, Kiki opened up in a devastating speech about how her community back in Haiti has grown resentful of her inability to help them all immigrate to the US, which has led to her receiving death threats. It’s a very timely, and very bleak, update in a time of fascistic rhetoric against immigrants. But, no, no, the real victims here are Lisa and Larsa. Let’s focus on what really matters.
The post Which Real Housewife of Miami Is the Biggest Victim? appeared first on The Daily Beast.
