I’m struggling with what I’m seeing in my sister’s marriage. Whenever we spend extended time together, it’s very clear to me that she carries the majority of the emotional and physical load with her two young kids. She’s the one waking up early with them, managing meltdowns, doing the cooking and keeping things afloat. Her husband, meanwhile, sleeps in late, stays on his computer or phone for long stretches (claiming he’s “working”) and rarely helps without being prompted.
What’s more concerning is that when he does interact, he often seems impatient with the kids — and sometimes even escalates their tantrums by teasing or provoking them when they’re already on edge. My sister, on the other hand, sometimes overcompensates by coddling the kids. The dynamic between them feels completely out of balance.
She recently told me that her husband was diagnosed with A.D.H.D. [attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder], and she’s been reading about how to better support him. But he often dismisses her efforts with jokes — like saying, “Nothing will help unless you and the kids move out,” or brushing off her concerns with, “That’s your problem, not mine.” He plays this off as humor, but it doesn’t feel harmless.
Whenever others, including our mom, have tried to talk to her about this, she becomes defensive. I want to support her, but I feel stuck between not overstepping and not staying silent while she burns herself out.
How do I support my sister when I see this imbalance so clearly, but she might not be ready to see or name it herself?
From the Therapist: It’s hard to watch someone you love being treated in a way that you find unacceptable. You care about your sister’s well-being, and you’re struggling to understand why she tolerates what looks to you like an imbalance of responsibility, respect and emotional labor. Your instinct is to help her see what you see, then do something about it.
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The post I Hate How My Sister’s Husband Treats Her. Can I Intervene? appeared first on New York Times.
