This year marks an all-new chapter for the Kennedy Center Honors, and not just because I will not be part of the festivities (as a writer for the award show) for the first time since 2022.
For one thing, the Center will be more majestic than ever. With extensive structural reinforcements, fresh paint, new carpets and surely some gold gilding, it’s undergoing more of a renovation than a 50-year-old MAGA trophy wife.
More importantly, no longer will we have to see the induction of third-rate talents like Fred Astaire—what has he done lately?—or Oprah; Leonard Bernstein or Angela “Overrated, She Wrote” Lansbury.
And given the many potential MAGA luminaries being considered as this year’s recipients, one can understand CBS News reporting that the center’s board is delaying announcing the names in the Honors upcoming 48th class.
That’s where I can help after all! Here are my finely-tuned recommendations for this year’s honorees—and I humbly suggest that there no longer be only five medal recipients each year. Everything our President does is bigger and better, after all, so why not six?
Here they are in no particular order.
The Village People
Yes, I admit, a strong case can be made for the musical brilliance of the 1910 Fruitgum Company or the Archies. But these fall far short of the standard this administration strives for, compared to a group that has brought us to the dance floor at weddings, bar mitzvahs, corporate parties and Trump’s Inaugural Ball.
Moreover, this award shines the spotlight on those whose work changed our society—after all, before the Village People came along with “In the Navy,” we all thought that everyone in the U.S. Navy was straight.
Hulk Hogan
You may remember him as an over the top, handlebar-mustachioed and steroid-enhanced wrestler. To WWE critics, aka coastal elites and Harvard grads, pro wrestling is an in-ring spectacle of bad acting. But to legitimate movie critics, he was a cinematic legend. Remember how he pretended to beat up Rocky when everyone knows Stallone could have kicked his ass? Some would say, “but Jon, Hulk is dead.” But is really he? Maybe he’s just that good an actor.
And maybe we will find out when he and JFK Jr. show up together in Dealey Plaza and endorse Trump in 2028. I for one can’t wait.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
And speaking of a Kennedy, is there a better fiction writer in America today than RFK Jr.? Some would argue he is not as good as the former Bureau of Labor Statistics staffer who made up all those fake job numbers, but think of some the titles of Kennedy’s work:
- Measles Schmeasles
- How to Hide a Dead Bear
- A User’s Guide to Healthy Heroin
And that’s before you get to his diaries. Just think how proud his father—and his uncle—would be of him. Trust me, they too knew the danger of shots.
Sydney Sweeney
It’s no secret that she has caused some controversy with her recent ads for American Spreadeagle. But if there’s one thing that John F. Kennedy himself would have appreciated, it would be a blonde bombshell. And let’s put to rest the ridiculous theory that those “good jeans” ads are eugenics propaganda. It’s just a coincidence Sweeney’s initials are SS! (For those under 40, google Schutzstaffel.)
Stormy Daniels
My father fought in World War II and was willing to lay down his life for our country’s freedom. Stormy Daniels was willing to lay down for our country’s… president.
Now, this award is for public performances. But who better than a member of the AVN Hall of Fame whose films include Beaver Snacks, Dual Air Bags and Hot Showers 6, the Godfather 2 of the Hot Showers franchise.
Vanilla Ice
This is such an obvious choice. He’s Vanilla—the color choice of the Ivory Coalition—and he was ICE even before Kristi Noem.
So there you go, 6 honorees representing the pillars that define America’s culture in 2025: late-night karaoke, wrestling, anti-vaccine misinformation, Internet feuds and porn.
And who should host what will be THE GREATEST KENNEDY CENTER HONORS OF ALL TIME? The President himself. In fact, the only conflict I can see is if he is in Oslo receiving the Nobel Peace Prize this December.
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