After a breakup, the last thing you likely want to do is cut your ex off cold turkey—even if you know it’s in your best interest. You want something, anything, to hold on to, to comfort you through your grief.
And so, though you might put physical space between you two, you cling to your past memories, reread old messages, stare at your photos…metaphorically forming cobwebs in your own mind. Or, as experts call it, cobwebbing.
And then you wonder why you can’t move on.
What Is Cobwebbing?
Essentially, cobwebbing in dating means getting rid of anything that ties you to your ex. This might include old photos together, gifts they bought you, or their clothing items.
You know when you clean out your closet after putting it off for weeks, and you notice a shit ton of cobwebs? Yeah, the same will happen in your love life if you continue to hold onto memories that are stopping you from moving on with your life. It’s time to start cobwebbing.
“By actively ‘cobwebbing’ your environment of the past, you can then move forward feeling more empowered, confident, and open to meeting someone new,” Bumble’s sex and relationship expert Dr. Caroline West told Mashable.
“Holding on to past relationships, whether that be phone numbers, messages, or even an old t-shirt, can hold you back when it comes to dating, as you’re not mentally focused on the present.”
Many of us hold on to past relationships for far longer than necessary. It’s much easier to wallow in self-pity and ruminate about what went wrong than it is to process the grief and move forward. Trust me, I’ve been there.
The sadness can almost be addicting, as it’s your last remaining tie to that person. Even if you know the breakup was the right choice, your heart might still be full of cobwebs from the lingering love and longing.
How to Start Cobwebbing
In a dating context, cobwebbing is not easy. Though many people immediately rid themselves of any memories of their ex, deleting their number, archiving old photos, blocking their social media, and throwing away those hand-written love letters, others—like me—can’t bring themselves to do it right away.
Set Your Own Boundaries
As you can probably tell, I’m not the best example of a “cobwebber.” I have an entire memory box filled with letters from old friends and lovers, dating back to my high school days. Do I still have any emotional or romantic ties to my exes today? Absolutely not. But as I get older (and as a sentimental writer), it’s nice to reminisce on this little journey I call life.
If you don’t want to get rid of every single little thing your ex ever touched, respect your own decision. You set the standard here.
However, if it’s actively giving you anxiety or crushing your soul, you probably should—at the very least—hide those items.
And when it comes to returning your ex’s belongings, such as clothing or an apartment key, get that out of the way as soon as possible so it’s not a dark, looming cloud over you. And trust me when I advise: don’t use that as an opportunity to hold out hope for reconciliation. It will only break your heart even more.
Take Your Time
If you’re not ready to cobweb your entire life, that’s okay—make sure you’re not lingering in the sadness for months at a time. Take baby steps toward cobwebbing, like getting rid of a few photos from your couple’s trip or deleting your text thread so you’re not rereading old messages all day.
Eventually, you will reach a place where you feel more comfortable parting ways with certain items or putting more space between you and your ex. Please don’t rush the process, but don’t get stuck in it, either. In my experience, it’s always better to go no-contact off the bat, so you can fully process the breakup and begin to move on without any lingering contact.
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