There comes a time when Real Housewives must put their swords down and make nice in preparation for their annual pilgrimage to a new frontier. Just like Heather Gay’s pioneer ancestors, they’re constantly blazing a new trail.
Fifteen years removed from the inaugural voyage (Scary Island), the Housewives are just as keen to keep up the ruse that they plan these trips themselves, offering thinner and thinner explanations to justify a cross-continental voyage, and I think that’s beautiful. This season, The Real Housewives of Miami are headed to Seville, Spain, to get Alexia out of Miami and, more importantly, away from her estranged husband-turned-paramour, Todd.
“I want you to help me, like, plan something,” Marysol says.
“Something like… Seville,” Julia replies.
And there you have it, the vacation’s planned, bags are packed, and the hotel’s all set. This is how every trip should be planned, but sadly we don’t all live in the world of instant fulfillment the Housewives occupy. Life can be so beautiful when your one and only purpose is to serve good TV.
With Seville in their sights, the ladies of Miami attempt to settle their scores so they can start some fresh fights on vacation. These current feuds are getting stale, after all.
But first, RHOM offers some of the most dire solo footage of the season—so bad, it’s quite frankly good. We go from Adriana taking her dog to a doggy brothel for a last hurrah before it gets neutered—an ethical dilemma I have no idea how to wade into, so I simply won’t—to Guerdy spending five minutes on a FaceTime with Married to Medicine star Dr. Jackie Walters. Cute!
That’s followed by a nightmarish double date line-up: Stephanie and her husband Massoud, alongside Julia and Martina. If you look beyond the pale, there’s a lot to chew on in the scene. Of course there’s Stephanie’s outfit, a cacophony of preppy, tacky patterns, as is her Jackie O-meets-2020s-Shein-trad-wife brand, accompanied by Massoud in the matching Ken doll set. Then there’s Julia’s robotic confessional, reading “We’re going to Spain for Alexia, so I need everyone to get along” off some teleprompter. Of all the facades the Housewives keep up, I think that’s the funniest.
The most interesting revelation of the night comes from Julia, who shares that her older daughters aren’t speaking to her and Martina in the wake of the adoption. Perhaps that explains Julia’s more erratic behavior this season, and it certainly fills in some of the blanks with the uncomfortable undercurrent surrounding this whole storyline.
The real objective of the dinner, though, is to set the stage for a reconciliation between Stephanie and Alexia. The two have struggled to see eye-to-eye so far, perhaps because they’re both so enamored with their own reflection. Stephanie says she won’t kowtow to any bullies, which may be a fair characterization of Alexia in some senses of the word, but only if you misinterpret her head and her heart. Alexia can’t be judged by the things she says and does; it’s her job to judge others.
That’s why she and Marysol sit down with Guerdy before Marysol’s preppy party in an attempt to clear the slate, not just between Guerdy and Julia, but the entire group. Here, the ladies who lunch ask Guerdy plain and simple if she’d like to continue spending time with them given Guerdy referred to them as a “cult.” Alexia doesn’t like that, “because first of all, we’re not a cult.” Guerdy breaks into tears to grovel for her spot in the group, telling the ladies she’s just “trying to vibe.”
“Literally, my motto is K.I.S.S. Keep it simple stupid,” Guerdy says, wiping a tear away.
After all, keeping it simple means hosting a celebration of life that doubles as a magazine cover party and triples as an event to display texts to expose and embarrass your enemy. It doesn’t get less convoluted than that. Look, in a year where other Housewives resorted to… less orthodox measures, that is a back-to-basics approach.
I mean, the drama between Julia and Guerdy isn’t that deep. Sure, Julia scorched Guerdy’s chance to have dinner with Captain Sandy, and yes, she threw a glass of water on her, to which Guerdy did retaliate with the wall of texts, but that’s hardly insurmountable. Lisa Barlow actually did accuse Mary Cosby of running a cult over on RHOSLC, and they just presented an award together at the Las Culturistas awards.
All these two have done is fight in increasingly hard-to-follow ways, so they’re decision to drop it ‘till the reunion is a wise one. Trust and believe, I’m dropping it, too. Goodbye to the C-plot of the season. Thank you ladies both for your participation.
Next, the battle of the friends comes to its 15 end, as Adriana apologizes to Marysol for her drunken yacht outburst. The two agree to put their issues aside, not wanting to overshadow the rest of the group with their abundant star power. It’s selfless and beautiful, as has been their decision to continue blessing us with their appearances despite Bravo’s cruel choice to put them in friend-of purgatory.
Of course, Marysol has more screentime this season than half the main cast and Adriana got a better reunion seat in Season 5 than Guerdy, so what does it really mean? That we should have nine Housewives, that’s what it means.
Finally, schoolteacher Stephanie takes problem child Alexia to the side to scold her real quick before the big field trip. She presents a word problem of sorts: Ms. Shojaee has a private jet, and she’s only taking half the cast on board because of plot device purposes (given the plane will take all of them to Marbella). She’s offered a spot to Larsa, Julia, and Marysol, but Marysol has offered her spot to Alexia. Ms. Shojaee wants to extend this olive branch to Alexia because she’s super sweet and kind-hearted; but first, she must clear the air.
Self-serious and entirely self-congratulatory, Stephanie carries every moment with sanctimony. She’s not used to spending time with women like Alexia, who would rather go to their grave with their pettiness intact than kiss the ring, and she’s certainly gotten comfortable using money to solve a plethora of problems.
That makes it all the funnier that Stephanie clutched her pearls at Lisa talking about her jet, but it goes hand-in-hand with Alexia finding issue with Stephanie for calling her a rottweiler (after she called herself that). These two are so discordant because they’re one and the same. After all, Season 1 Alexia was a trophy wife helping run her husband’s legacy business. Stephanie is just the modern reflection of that archetype.
Alexia declines the offer, preferring the comfort of coach with her bestie over a soulless handout (although she does remind Stephanie how skinny Marysol is. They could squeeze!). That just makes the issue ten times worse, as Stephanie can’t fathom how money didn’t solve this problem, while Alexia finds the entire situation tactless.
But hey, when the Bravo gods close a door, they always open a window. Congrats to Adriana for snagging that final spot on the plane, by pure default! That invitation actually sparks some drama of its own, too, as Adriana points out how Julia accepted a spot on the jet with no regard for her alleged bestie, unlike the dynamic duo of Alexysol. Adriana, psychologist in training, causes Alexia to break down in tears of joy, in awe of Marysol’s commitment to her, while Julia rolls her eyes as her bond with Adriana continues to disintegrate.
The look of pure irritation on Julia as Stephanie proposes inviting Adriana says it all, but the mid-season trailer makes it abundantly clear: Things are about to get so, so ugly.
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