Last November, I cut off contact with my father. He has been emotionally abusive to me my whole life. I am now in my 30s and decided to create a boundary between him and my family. My only child is 18 months old, and I will not allow him to hurt my daughter as he hurt me. Unless he acknowledges that the way he treated me was wrong and apologizes for it, I will not speak to him again. The issue: My mother and younger brother still live with him, and I haven’t heard from them since I stopped talking to my father. They don’t seem to have any interest in speaking with me. Can I reach out to them — especially my brother, who endured the same abuse I did?
SON
Families are made up of individual members, of course, but they also function as a whole. When you called out your father for his emotional abuse, for instance, you also implicated your mother. Was she complicit in the abuse by failing to stop it? Was she being abused herself and unable to admit it? Or does she disagree with your assessment? The same goes for your younger brother, who may not be ready to handle this conflict now.
It probably occurred to you that your father might deny your accusations and that no apology would be forthcoming. But it sounds as if the ripple effect with the rest of your family caught you off guard. I think it would be extremely helpful for you to reach out to your mother and brother separately.
In your individual conversations with them, though, focus on them — not on your father. Acknowledge the tough position that each of them is in — living with your father, while still being a mother and a brother to you (and a grandmother and an uncle to your daughter). Talk about strategies for maintaining your relationships with them. And speak to a therapist, in advance, to help you make these conversations as productive as they can be.
A Hard Number Lands With a Thud
My husband has a well-paid job at an elite university. We send our two kids to the day care there. The combined cost is more than my annual salary. Over drinks with acquaintances, one of them raised the issue of day care costs. Someone said they were “sooo expensive,” and another compared them to college tuitions. So, I finally said the number we pay. But when I saw the shock on their faces, I instantly regretted it. I didn’t tell them to show off. I just thought it was more real to say what day care actually costs. Thoughts?
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