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Opinion: Here’s What the Trump Administration Should Be Renaming Next

August 6, 2025
in News
Opinion: Here’s What the Trump Administration Should Be Renaming Next
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The House GOP’s push to rename the Kennedy Center Opera House after Melania Trump isn’t just legacy laundering, it’s damnatio memoriae in reverse. Sure, legally speaking, the Kennedy Center’s founding charter makes such a stunt near impossible without a full act of Congress, but that hasn’t stopped them from trying.

Instead of erasing disgraced figures from the past, this is about platforming the disgraced figures of the moment—spray-painting the names of MAGA idols over national landmarks like they’re tagging their ex’s couch before moving out.

What’s the endgame here—performative fealty to our Dear Leader? Trolling the libs via cultural vandalism? Or is it just a vibes-first campaign to whitewash any trace of American history that isn’t aligned with the Trump regime?

Whatever the motivation, subtlety has long left the building. And with that in mind, I humbly offer some ideas to help the administration accelerate its aesthetic overhaul:

Vintage inspired postcard of the US Institute of Peace having been renamed "The Stephen Miller Center for American Identity Research"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

1. The U.S. Institute of Peace, now known as The Stephen Miller Center for American Identity Research

A WeWork-style groupthink space for ideating tomorrow’s boldest threats to pluralism—and possibly plural marriage, if those throuple rumors are to be believed. Cold brew on tap, DEI posters used as coasters.

Vintage inspired postcard of a pink department of homeland security building having been renamed
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

2. The Department of Homeland Security, now known as ICE Barbie’s Mansion

30% more border wall renderings and 100% less institutional memory. The space comes with mirrored interrogation rooms, MAGA mood lighting, extensive wardrobe space and a complimentary press conference in the Barbie DreamJet™.

Vintage inspired postcard showing the Library of Congress that has been renamed "the mar-a-library"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

3. The Library of Congress, now known as The Mar-a-Library

Previously a revered archive of American history, now a gilded storage unit for guest towels, cocktail napkins and misfiled classified documents in the “golf scores” drawer. Fox News runs on loop in the reading room—in silence.

Vintage inspired postcard of the fema building being renamed the bannon bunker
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

4. The Federal Emergency Management Agency, now known as The Bannon Bunker

Modeled after the Greenbrier Cold War bunker, but with dubious hygiene and medieval cosplay. The space may or may not contain the ghosts of failed alt-right podcasts.

Vintage inspired postcard showing girl scouts being renamed
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

5. The Girl Scouts of America, now known as Maxwell’s Finishing School for Girls

Yes, it’s a federally-funded pole-dancing club disguised as a charm school. ‘Trainees’ study pliability, pageantry and plausible deniability, graduating with a fully-redacted diploma and glowing letter from Trump’s legal team. Motto: “We wish you well.“

Vintage inspired postcard of the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York being renamed "the mel" "the museum of decorative silence"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

6. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, now known as The MEL Museum of Decorative Silence

Renamed in honor of Melania, because why stop at the Kennedy Center? The museum’s collection is re-curated to focus exclusively on Be Best™ energy, murder trees and Slovenian crystal. For top donors, Melania will whisper historical facts in an ASMR audio guide. Performative dance? No. Performative resistance? Absolutely.

Vintage inspired postcard with RFK Jr on a stamp in front of the Walter Reed Medical Center with a new title reading "the rfk jr hospice for preventable diseases"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

7. The Walter Reed Medical Center, now known as The RFK Jr. Hospice for Preventable Diseases

Now featuring horse paste, hot tubs and a complimentary copy of The Real Truth About Wi-Fi. Any/all contagions are welcomed—herd immunity is the end goal. And who needs insurance when you’re accepting measles and covfefe?

Vintage inspired postcard of the Pentagon being renamed "The Pete Hegseth Haus of War"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

8. The Pentagon, now known as Pete Hegseth’s Haus of War

Animal House meets the military-industrial complex. Oversight replaced by beer pong, group texts and vibe checks. And no chicks allowed, naturally.

Vintage inspired postcard of the great lakes being renamed "the greatest lakes" and lakes renamed after Ivanka, Barron, Eric, and Don Jr. Trump
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

9. The Great Lakes, now known as The Greatest Lakes

Because adjectives are policy now.

  1. Lake Superior becomes Lake Ivanka: Flawless, unbothered, and possibly filled with formaldehyde.
  2. Lake Michigan becomes Lake Don Jr: Aggressively misunderstood and constantly reposting memes about salmon. 
  3. Lake Erie becomes Lake Eric: Kind of there. Often mistaken for another lake.
  4. Lake Huron becomes Lake Barron: Mysterious and still growing.

And yes, there’s a fifth lake but it’s not named for Tiffany. She gets a commemorative IHOP in Palm Beach instead.

vintage style postcard of yellowstone national park renamed "yellowstone fracking and theme reserve"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

10. Yellowstone National Park, now known as the Yellowstone Fracking & Theme Reserve

Now brought to you by ExxonMobil and Trump Outdoor Grills. Includes the Tom Homan wolf (and migrant) hunting pavilion and the Tulsi Gabbard geyser, which erupts every 7–10 minutes with misinformation.

Vintage inspired postcard of the nasa moon landing being renamed "the vance: vague ambitions for national cosmic excellence"
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

11. NASA, now known as VANCE (Vague Ambitions for National Cosmic Excellence)

Don’t tell J.D., but an agency originally slated to be renamed after Elon Musk. (It was re-directed after Musk rage-quit a Senate hearing over the government’s refusal to cover his childcare.) Now a fully-privatized propaganda machine focused on sending populist thinkpieces to the moon. And then finding a new moon after Sean Duffy’s nuclear power plant there inevitably melts down.

Vintage inspired postcard with the statue of liberty with the saying "statue of loyalty" written
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

12. The Statue of Liberty, now known as The Statue of Loyalty

Recast in gold-plated resin and holding a Truth Social Terms of Service agreement. New inscription reads: “Give me your fawning, your sycophants, your verified users yearning to boost engagement—so long as they never question me.”

Look, I’m not saying Trump’s actually going to replace Lady Liberty with a giant gilded animatronic of Kari Lake reading the Constitution backwards. But if we’re already renaming national institutions, they might as well go full Project 2025. Because while all of this might seem absurd, what’s being erased isn’t just names—it’s the record of who built this country in the first place. (And in particular, it’s women and people of color whose legacies are getting scrubbed.) It’s not just performative, it’s punitive. And the punchline is who disappears.

The post Opinion: Here’s What the Trump Administration Should Be Renaming Next appeared first on The Daily Beast.

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