Are today’s singles really still playing hard to get? Apparently, yes.
“I see this constantly in my work,” said sex and relationship expert Anita Fletcher of Fantasy Co., a company that celebrates authentic intimate connections. “Someone will be absolutely smitten with a match, but they’ve been conditioned to believe that showing enthusiasm makes them look desperate.”
As someone who loves a good yearner—and is certainly one herself—it breaks my heart to hear that people prefer playing games over showing up authentically in the dating world.
Why is this occurring? Well, more people think being emotionally aloof is the solution to their dating woes. Oftentimes, this is due to fear of rejection or a desire to have control in the situation.
What Is ‘Yearning’ in Dating?
If a particularly persistent yet respectful lover has ever courted you, you know what yearning looks like in action. It’s the constant check-ins, planned dates, flowers on your doorstep, and genuine care that comes from someone who adores you.
On dating apps, however, this might be a little less obvious.
“Yearning in dating apps is about dropping the pretense and showing genuine enthusiasm for someone you’re interested in,” Fletcher explained. “It’s the opposite of the ‘three-day rule’ mentality. Yearners respond promptly, ask thoughtful questions, and aren’t afraid to show they’re excited about getting to know someone.”
In a dating world filled with casual suitors, yearning is a brave and admirable act.
What Is ‘Emotional Aloofness’ in Dating?
Quite the opposite of yearning, emotional aloofness refers to an apathetic attitude toward dates or partners. However, someone who is emotionally aloof usually isn’t uninterested. Rather, they’re just trying to hide it.
“When someone is playing it cool but interested, their actions don’t match their seemingly casual tone,” Fletcher said. “They might take hours to respond, but when they do, the message is substantial and engaging.”
5 Signs Their Emotional Aloofness Is Just an Act
The above information on emotional aloofness begs the question: How do you know if someone is actually interested in you but just holding back? Fletcher outlined five signs of this common dynamic.
1. Their Response Time is Inconsistent
Inconsistencies in communication can point to game-playing rather than actual disinterest.
“Someone who’s genuinely disinterested will be consistently slow to respond, but if they sometimes reply quickly and other times take forever, they’re likely managing their response time to avoid seeming too eager—or they’re simply busy,” Fletcher said.
2. They Remember Small Details
Someone who doesn’t care about getting to know you likely wouldn’t remember the little things, like your favorite flower or a specific story you’ve shared with them.
“When someone brings up your Tuesday presentation or asks about your sick cat, they’re clearly paying attention even if they’re acting casual,” Fletcher noted.
3. They Ask Questions But Don’t Volunteer Information
Asking questions typically points to interest, while protecting their own privacy usually means they’re afraid to open up.
“This is a classic sign of someone who’s interested but guarded,” Fletcher explained. “They want to know everything about you but reveal little about themselves to maintain emotional distance.”
4. Their Energy Shifts During Deeper Conversations
If you notice the person is deeply engaged when you’re having a deep or emotional conversation, this is a good sign.
“Someone playing it cool might give short answers about surface-level stuff but light up when you talk about your passions or vulnerabilities,” Fletcher said.
And someone who is genuinely not interested in you likely wouldn’t want to delve into those deeper topics in the first place.
5. They Make Plans But Keep Them Vague
If someone wasn’t interested in you, they wouldn’t try to see you. (Of course, don’t confuse this with situationships where one person is using the other for intimacy.)
“They’ll suggest meeting up but won’t commit to specific details,” Fletcher said. “This gives them an out while still showing interest. It’s emotional hedging at its finest.”
While the above might be true, let’s still recognize that this behavior isn’t exactly ideal. It might just take some time to get the emotionally aloof person to warm up, but if they’re refusing to express their true feelings, be careful not to waste your precious time.
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