I come from a large family; my siblings and I are now in our 50s to 70s. Our parents, worn out by so many children, ended up neglecting our needs, physically and emotionally, in different ways. I hold no grudge; they did their best, and they’ve been gone for decades.
Unfortunately, my younger brother has been couch-surfing with me and other siblings for about 20 years. He spent some time living in inexpensive countries on his inheritance, but now the money is gone, and he has no job. He has been living with me for the last few years, and as I approach 60, I’m exhausted. I don’t feel I can host him much longer.
For years, I and others have urged him to get counseling for his anxiety and his difficulties with executive function. We’ve also suggested that he see a social worker and start building independence, especially as he gets older. He insists he’s working on tech projects that will bring in passive income — he’s highly intelligent and has big dreams — but nothing has panned out.
None of my other siblings can take him in again. I do think he needs counseling and maybe medication. I’m empathetic by nature, and I hate the idea of putting him on the street — but would that be what finally gets him to seek professional help? I’m not equipped to be his case worker. Am I enabling him to avoid the help he needs by continuing to provide him with a place to stay? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
From what you say, it sounds as if you’re carrying a lot, especially as you get older yourself. It’s clear you care about your younger brother and don’t want to see him suffer. Still, you’re right to wonder whether you’re simply enabling a middle-aged man to avoid facing reality and getting the assistance he needs, with respect to his mental health and his ability to function. Our obligations to adult siblings — unless they are truly incapable of independence — are real but not unlimited. Most people in our society accept that while family bonds matter, there comes a point when adults are expected to take responsibility for their own lives, or at least to make a genuine effort to do so.
You might start by setting clear boundaries: Explain that your home is open to him only if he takes concrete steps toward getting help. But you have to mean it. And you have to convey from the outset that this is not a permanent solution. Your hope is that, with support — perhaps some combination of counseling and medication — he’ll be able to live on his own. You’ll have to set a timeline for that. If he is just going through the motions, you’ll know soon enough. If he genuinely commits, you can decide together what independence looks like and how he might get there.
And if your brother, with his big brain and big ideas, continues to spin his wheels? In truth, the line between care and enabling is often blurry, and you’re the one best placed to judge how your brother might respond to the withdrawal of your hospitality. You can connect him with organizations and resources that might catch him if he falls. You wouldn’t just be leaving him to flounder alone. Yet you’re not obligated to sacrifice your own well-being indefinitely, and your compassion risks sustaining his arrested development while allowing your own life to contract around his needs. Giving him a permanent crash pad can keep him from finding his own feet — and from having a real shot at building a life on his own.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who has come to suspect that her husband is bisexual. They have been married for decades and she wanted to know if it was OK to ask him after all this time. She wrote:
“My husband and I married in 1992. We were both around 30 years old, and each of us had previous sexual partners of the opposite gender. Although his heterosexuality was questioned in his discernment process for ordination in the church, he was always adamant that he was not gay. He and I engaged in sexual intercourse for seven years, not often and not pleasant for me. And then, around 25 years ago, he said he would spare me any further requests for sex, and we have done nothing more than snuggle and cuddle since then. This has been fine with me, as I never really enjoyed sex. For a number of years, I have wondered if he is bisexual and if what we have is a “lavender” marriage. How might I broach this subject after all these years?” — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
“For more than two decades, you and your husband have managed to maintain a marriage in which sex — and even conversations about sex — have mostly faded into the background. In this way, you reached an unspoken agreement: Sex simply isn’t central to your relationship, and you’ve accepted that. Given all this, it’s worth asking what, if anything, either of you would gain by revisiting questions about his sexuality at this point. Learning that he was bisexual wouldn’t explain a lack of sexual interest in you; it would leave you more or less where you started. As for the “lavender” marriage — a relationship entered into, knowingly or not, to provide cover for one partner’s (or both partners’) sexuality? Yours sounds less like a marriage built on a secret and more like one that gradually and mutually settled into companionship, one in which sex simply lost its importance for both of you. … We live in a time that puts great emphasis on naming and labeling our sexual identities, as if this always brings clarity and freedom. But that isn’t the case for everyone. Some couples are content to leave these questions unresolved, especially when sex no longer plays a meaningful role in their lives together.”
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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There are three answers to the question you might ask him: He’s not attracted to you; he’s more or exclusively attracted to men now; or he’s not attracted to anyone for whom he would compromise your marriage. What would you gain from any of those answers? — Paula
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It doesn’t seem as if either party wants to disengage from the relationship, so I don’t see any harm in clarifying some details. As a Gen Z-er myself, I find labels to be helpful. They don’t have to be restricting; they can also provide an outlet to find others who have had similar experiences. I think it’s worth exploring as a conversation and potentially clarifying some details. The man may not even be sure himself, and that’s OK, but I think it’s worth the effort. — Bailey
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The Ethicist’s answer was thoughtful and kind and it’s important for the wife to discern for herself what it is she wants to know: Is it, “Are you theoretically bisexual?” Or is it, “Are you getting sexual satisfaction somewhere else — and is it with a man?” It might be helpful to her to role play, in her own head her response to a variety of answers. — Robert
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I expect there are far more couples than are counted in any survey who have much less sex of all types than would traditionally have been expected, especially by social media standards, and as the possibility of children fades with age. Several of my friends’ and family members’ marriages fall into a “nonsexual” category, with full consent on both sides. Honoring those private decisions and lifestyles as being emotionally intimate, fully functional, healthy and respected can support many of us by counting our relationships as fully legitimate so we can move on to more important issues. — Elizabeth
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Fifteen years ago I was in a similar situation as the letter writer. My 22-year marriage had become sexless and unhappy. Counseling had failed. The week of my 50th birthday, I took a big risk: I asked my husband if he was gay, knowing he would take great offense if I was wrong. (He was a macho attorney in a conservative state.) My husband denied it at first, but then admitted it to me and our daughters. We divorced, and he eventually came out to family and friends and work colleagues. It was terribly painful but led us to happier lives. We’re both in loving second marriages and remain friends. Now that he’s able to live a more authentic life, my ex has found joy in public service and L.G.B.T.Q. advocacy. For us, at least, this was a question worth asking. — Julie
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
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