Tales of the Shire’s setting, the little Hobbit hamlet of Bywater, is absolutely lovely. Its lush forest, picturesque Hobbit-holes, and friendly locals seem to make it an excellent location to settle down and enjoy the cozy Hobbit life. Too bad it’s about to be wrecked in The Scouring of the Shire just years later.
I have to admit, I didn’t give much thought to Tales of the Shire’s setting until I started playing the game, but when I realized I was about to move into the not-quite-a-village of Bywater, I instantly regretted purchasing real estate in such a risky location. It’s a bit harder to enjoy the peace and quiet when impending doom (mentally, physically, possibly financially) is looming over your head, isn’t it?
If you’ve read The Lord of the Rings, you’re probably familiar with the Scouring of the Shire, where a frustrated failure of a wizard by the name of Saruman decides to take it out on his Halfling neighbors. After the War of the Ring has ended, he strikes a deal with his Hobbiton pipe-weed provider Lotho Sackville-Baggins, turning the once green hills into a totalitarian, industrialized hellscape, a place where opposition is met with imprisonment.
That lovely garden you’ve worked so hard for? Won’t be lovely anymore. The cute Hobbit-holes around Bywater pool? Deserted or torn down. The Green Dragon inn? Taken over by ruffians. Your new friends? Into the “lockhole” dungeons they’ll go.
For a short while, I found comfort in the thought that the Scouring of the Shire may be far off yet, but then I overheard fellow Hobbits talking about Bilbo, Frodo, and even worse, a young Samwise Gamgee, who was only 38 at the start of The Lord of the Rings. If the junior gardener is in his early twenties during Tales of the Shire (given that he’s already caught Rosie’s eye), that suggests the Scouring of the Shire may be less than 20 years away.
Ever since that horrible realization, my formerly cozy Hobbit life has become bittersweet. I mean, I’ll still care for my ill-fated home, and I still enjoy the hustle and bustle of the Bywater village square, but the situation has given me a major Cassandra-complex. Every time Old Noakes gifts me a fishing rod, I want to request a rifle instead. Every time Farmer Cotton whines about turning Bywater into a village, I want to suggest turning it into a fortress.
Given the fact that 19 local Hobbits are about to fall in the Battle of Bywater, and over 30 will end up wounded, I put more effort in the Second Breakfasts I serve my neighbors (you don’t know how long they’ve got), but make no mistake; I no longer look upon all my neighbors with kindly eyes.
After all, Lotho Sackville-Baggins wasn’t the only Hobbit to join the wrong side; Ted Sandyman also turned traitor. Of course, I can’t blame Tales of the Shire’s old Sandyman for his son’s future mistakes (although I wish I could pressure him to step up his parenting game), but besides making our shared meals a bit more awkward, it makes me wonder who else among our friendly neighborhood Hobbits might be secretly evil.
Honestly, I think it’s Orlo. This happy-go-lucky postman may seem sweet, but the name gives him away. Remember that evil things have evil names in Tolkien’s world, and they usually include the letter combo ‘or’: Mordor, Morgoth, orcs. What’s the name of the main tower in Isengard? Orthanc. So, I advise you to keep an eye on that Orlo fellow, don’t plant any trees, and enjoy your time in Bywater — while it lasts.
The post Cozy? Please, Tales of the Shire is a tragedy appeared first on Polygon.
