I recently started dating a man who is funny and bright. His lifestyle preferences are aligned with mine: We both like splitting our time among New York City, the country and the beach. That combo is hard to find these days! The problem: On our third date, he showed up wearing tight white jeans and cologne, with gel in his hair. I appreciate that he may like this vibe, but it’s not for me. It was also different from his low-key style on our first two dates. I managed to make it through happy hour, but I’ve been sensitive to scent for as long as I can remember. Should I bring up this sensitivity with him or chalk it up to a preference that another woman may like?
DATER
I’m confused. Even if you sort out the cologne — and I believe you have the right to tell this man that you are sensitive to fragrance and to ask him to come unscented to future meetings — that still leaves the white jeans and the hair gel. My impression from your letter is that all three are nonstarters for you. And as much as we might like to, we don’t have the right to micromanage the aesthetic choices of others.
Now, you don’t mention your age or relationship experience, so I am going to tread gently here. Your dating criteria seem a bit shallow to me: Being able to afford an apartment in the city, a country house and beach vacations is not a “lifestyle preference”; it is a socioeconomic condition. And wealth and appearances make poor foundations for good relationships, in my experience.
If this man seems kind and supportive — as well as bright and funny, as you say — try to stay open to him. I know that many of us start concocting romantic fantasies in childhood, and it can be challenging to set aside the surface stuff. But in the end, pants and hair products will not help you through life’s inevitable hardships; a solid partner can. So, speak to him about the cologne and consider being more open-minded about your other objections.
Tap, Tap. Is This Thing On?
For years, my sister has been lovely to me at our rare, in-person meetings (our last was a year ago). We live far from each other. But for 15 years, she has largely eschewed birthday and holiday greetings, ignored gifts, and — for the last six months — she has been unresponsive to my texts. (And texting has always been her favorite mode of communication.) I feel hurt, and I miss her. What should I do?
SISTER
It can be painful when people with whom we feel close ignore us. So, I’m sorry for your distress at your sister’s worsening communication — though it seems as if she’s had a spotty record for over a decade.
If texting is her thing, send her one more: “I’d really like to speak to you if you are willing. I’m upset about our lack of communication, and I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to make it better? I love you.” Then wait. She may not respond immediately — or ever, but you will have told her how you feel. And that’s as much as we can do, really.
Don’t Shoot the Delivery App
My niece’s husband had back surgery yesterday. She created a site that allows friends and family to fund a meal-delivery app for them to use while he recuperates. The problem: I am opposed to having meals delivered. This couple cook rarely and have several obesity-related illnesses. May I give them an alternative gift without making my opinion obvious? I live too far away to cook them a meal.
AUNT
You seem to misunderstand meal-delivery services. These apps allow people to buy meals from different restaurants — including the healthiest ones under the sun — and have them delivered. If you don’t like the specific meals that your niece and her husband are choosing, that’s not a delivery problem.
They have asked for help with food. You are under no obligation to send a gift, of course. And I don’t think sending a healthy fruit basket, for instance, would make your opinion about meal delivery obvious. But I agree with your implicit sentiment that the recovery period following surgery, when your niece is probably shouldering a stressful amount of responsibility, is not the time for you to express unsought opinions about the couple’s diet. (Save that for later, or — even better — never.)
The Pleasures of Daily, Whiskered Companionship
My husband and I are pet lovers. We moved recently and were unable to bring our beloved dog with us. (We were lucky to find her a wonderful new home.) A cat would be the perfect pet for us now, but one of our dearest friends is allergic to them, and she would be unable to visit us if we adopted one. Advice?
PET DAD
As a pet person myself, this seems like a no-brainer. The daily joy that my dog brings me vastly outweighs the pleasure of an occasional guest — who can be entertained elsewhere. Your dear friend might even be your guest on a long weekend away. Adopt a cat!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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