Terms like “gaslighting” and “narcissism” have taken over the internet in recent years. And while many of these buzzwords are overused, they still hold merit in a therapeutic context. One term in particular that’s often misunderstood and misused is “trauma bonding.”
Are you stuck in a trauma bond? Here’s what you should know about this dangerous attachment.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
According to Psychology Today, “A trauma bond is an emotional attachment that can form in an abusive relationship, specifically the connection the victim feels toward the perpetrator.” This type of attachment includes cycles of consistent negative reinforcement with spontaneous periods of positive reinforcement—just enough to make the other person stay.
Basically, you develop a deep and seemingly unbreakable attachment to the very person who is causing you deep emotional (and sometimes physical) harm.
Trauma Bonding vs. Bonding Over Trauma
Many people will confuse trauma bonding with bonding over trauma. For example, say you go on a first date and instantly hit it off. Before you know it, both of you are over-sharing about your childhood traumas and bonding over similar family dynamics and adulthood struggles. While this isn’t necessarily the healthiest form of connecting with someone new, it’s not considered a trauma bond. Instead, it’s just bonding…over trauma.
On the other hand, trauma bonding occurs between a victim of abuse and their abuser. There’s typically a power imbalance and a cycle that includes abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement, according to Healthline.
For example, let’s say you get into a relationship with someone who seems kind, patient, and attentive. As you become intimate and get emotionally closer to them, you naturally grow an attachment to them. However, as the relationship progresses, they begin to name-call you, devalue you, and emotionally manipulate you. You find yourself in a vulnerable place where you’re constantly blaming yourself while your partner takes zero accountability.
However, there is also the element of positive reinforcement, where the abusive partner then comes around, showers you with praise and kindness, etc., to keep you holding on. This can make it feel impossible to move on.
As Psychology Today reports, trauma bonds have a foundation of abuse. This might include physical threats, manipulation, gaslighting, control, shaming, and other abusive behavior. Of course, as stated above, this is typically followed by calmness and affection.
“This pattern of highs and lows increases a victim’s unhealthy attachment to the abuser, which helps maintain the relationship,” Psychology Today states on its website.
How to Spot a Trauma Bond
Unfortunately, it can be difficult to identify a trauma bond once you’re in one. Because the abuser in the relationship typically gaslights and manipulates the other person, the victim often doubts themselves or feels like they can’t trust their own thoughts and feelings.
However, there are some tell-tale signs of a trauma bond, including cycles of behavior (e.g., lovebomb, devalue, repeat) and a power imbalance between two partners (if in a romantic relationship).
Additionally, you might find yourself constantly feeling shamed and blamed, both by yourself and the other person. If everything is always seemingly your fault, and your partner rarely takes accountability, this is a red flag. You might also feel like you’re walking on eggshells as a result, which is never a good place to be in a relationship.
Another sign is that you’re normalizing and excusing behavior you used to deem inappropriate, abusive, or toxic. Oftentimes, the longer you stay in a trauma bond, the less you can spot those dangerous behaviors.
The post Are You Trapped In a Trauma Bond? It’s Probably Not What You Think. appeared first on VICE.
