About a year ago, while doing some minor renovation work in my 25-year-old daughter’s bedroom closet, I stumbled upon an unopened but clearly hidden pregnancy-test kit. I left it alone without mention, wanting to honor my daughter’s privacy about her sex life. A year later, my wife stumbled upon the same unopened test kit while searching for a handbag my daughter had borrowed. When my wife mentioned finding it, I admitted to seeing it a year earlier. My wife is now hurt that I didn’t tell her at the time. Had my daughter been a minor, I might have acted differently, but I believe that my daughter’s right to privacy as an adult superseded the duty my wife says I owed her as a co-parent. Who is right? — Shawn, Queens
From the Ethicist:
You owe it to your adult daughter to respect her privacy. You owe it to your wife to share important information about your daughter’s life. Which matters more here? That may depend in part on your particular marital understanding, which may depend, in turn, on your cultural traditions. But to my way of thinking, that unused plastic wand is pretty low on the list of things that clamor for disclosure. This wasn’t a cache of heroin or an alarming medical report. (If you ever did come across something truly consequential, you might want to talk to your daughter first and offer to help her share it if needed.)
So I’m with you. You stumbled on something that this 25-year-old presumably intended to keep private, and you recognized that she’s entitled to that privacy — even when under your roof, even when sharing the Wi-Fi. That doesn’t make you a secretive spouse. It makes you a father who knows, perhaps better than most, how to respect an adult child’s boundaries. Kudos for that.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was dating a man who wanted to be exclusive. He wrote: “I’m a 20-year-old male college student who met someone new this spring. I recently let him know I’m not interested in monogamy right now. He seemed to take it all right, but I later discovered that within two weeks, he slept with three people without telling me.
“To ease tensions, I agreed to four months of exclusivity to see where we stand. … Should I suppress my bohemian urges and go along with his desire for exclusivity or attempt another structured conversation about it?” — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “A shared understanding is critical in any physical relationship. Not just to make good decisions about health and safety — though that’s obviously important — but also to avoid emotional confusion. This hasn’t happened. … You don’t owe him a long-term compromise that would leave you feeling stifled. Nor does he owe you an openness he can’t genuinely offer.
“What you shouldn’t do is make promises and not keep them. The worry remains that this experiment would be an act of misplaced charity. I’m inclined to think that your partner deserves someone who’s thrilled to share his bed, not resigned to it, and that you deserve the chance to try a situationship where you can find fire where it naturally sparks. If you can’t create that together, the kindest choice may be to part ways — and allow yourselves to find, separately, what you’re each looking for.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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These two people are not compatible at this time. And the boyfriend’s response to the letter-writer’s honesty was deeply telling. Having sex for retribution and lying about it is a sign of immaturity and reason enough to end this relationship. — Adrienne
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He cannot have it both ways. He declared that he did not want monogamy, yet was bewildered and hurt when the guy he is dating hooked up with three people in one week. Unfair! They should end things immediately. This four-months-of-exclusivity deal is not going to change their current incompatibilities. He also needs to explore his diminished capacity to enjoy sex with romantic partners. Freud would approve. — Mary
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You clearly communicated to this individual that you’re not interested in monogamy at this point in your life even though you enjoy his company. Instead of trying to understand your situation or communicating his obvious discomfort, he proceeds to sleep with three people without telling you. To add insult to injury, he blamed you rather than owning up to his actions. You deserve so much better than this kind of immature, emotionally unintelligent behavior, and your desire for nonmonogamy is entirely valid and normal. Don’t compromise your values or let this person ruin your own desires. — Haley
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I’m most concerned about the way the letter writer’s lover reacted to his discovery and confrontation. When someone tells you in one breath that they want you exclusively and in another that they don’t want to be with you at all, that is not just hurtful. It also puts you on unsteady ground. Blaming your sincere, vulnerable words for his actions and then minimizing and demeaning your complex desires is a tactic abusers use. Also, someone who truly wants monogamy behaves monogamously. I urge you to break your own heart and sever this connection as safely and quickly as possible. — David
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Regardless of who is asking whom, if the relationship is not at the point of exclusivity, I’d generally suggest a deep, meaningful discussion — or several. No, you don’t have to automaticallyn acquiesce. The question and answer are informative for both parties. But if the conversations have not born fruit for either person, perhaps it’s time to cut ties. — KJ
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
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