My husband’s brother, mid-60s, has always been single. Before his parents died, he lived with them. While attending a violent political rally that my husband and I opposed early in the pandemic, he contracted Covid, then infected his mother and behaved irresponsibly in managing her care. She died soon after. We have had no real relationship with him in years. Still, he emails suggestions of gifts he would like for birthdays and Christmas. We send them, and he responds with thank-you notes. When he asks what we would like, we respond that we don’t want any gifts. He sends them anyway, and we donate them to charity. We do not acknowledge them, which we normally would do. Recently, he expressed a desire for acknowledgment of his gifts. How should we handle this?
SISTER-IN-LAW
I don’t think this question is about gifts. And your family is hardly the first to be undone by partisan politics and Covid. (Still, it’s always sad to hear about fractured relationships.) You and your husband should be more direct with your brother-in-law. It seems as if you want nothing to do with him, but instead of telling him that, you have adopted a strategy of treating him rudely in hopes that he might glean your intentions without your having to say anything. But he’s not getting the message!
You and your husband are entitled to terminate relationships with whomever you like for whatever reasons you choose. You don’t mention trying to talk through political differences with your brother-in-law (or agreeing to avoid the subject), but you may not be interested in that. If not, the best thing to do is be clear with him. Presumably, he has no idea that you are donating his gifts to charity to avoid even a whiff of contact with him. All he knows is that his gifts are going unacknowledged. (And you know that’s impolite.)
Now, I am not hardhearted. I suspect that you and your husband are suffering — along with many of us — over the deep partisan divisions in our country and the ways they affect us personally. And I recognize that there is probably no easy fix for your issues with your brother-in-law. Still, he deserves to know the lay of the land — if only out of respect for his long relationship with his brother.
When a Thoughtful Follow-Up May Be Unwelcome
A few days ago, a colleague at work confided in me that he was waiting for the results of a biopsy to rule out a cancer diagnosis. I told him I would keep him in my thoughts. Since then, I have heard nothing from him. I don’t want to be invasive by asking about the results, but I don’t want to seem indifferent, either. Advice?
CO-WORKER
Good question! Your colleague is lucky to have chosen a thoughtful confidant. He was probably feeling anxious or fearful when he told you and needed to vent. I’m glad you were there. But it would be wrong to ask him about the results: It is your colleague’s decision whether, and with whom, to share his medical news. Your better tack is to be quietly supportive. Pick up an extra coffee for him or invite him to lunch. Be there for him — while also respecting his privacy.
Until the Offer, There’s Nothing to Tell
I am happily employed at a small family-run business. My work is meaningful, and my opinions are valued. My best friend at the company was recently named chief executive. The issue: Another firm has reached out to me about an open position, and the interview process is going well. My pay would be significantly higher, and I believe I could thrive there. But my friend has always said, “If you are going to leave, I need to know ASAP to find your replacement.” So, I am torn: Should I tell her I’m interviewing or wait until I have an offer?
EMPLOYEE
You should absolutely, positively wait until you have an offer in writing from the new company, and you are ready to accept it. (As of this moment, you are not going anywhere!) It is likely that your friend and the owners of the company will view you differently once they learn that you are interviewing with another company. Give them reasonable notice after you have landed the new job.
No Statute of Limitations on Gratitude
My husband and I were married 15 months ago, and we have not finished writing thank-you notes to the people who gave us gifts. Is it too late to send them now? My sister is getting married soon, and many of our guests will be attending her wedding. I worry that they may not give her a gift because my husband and I didn’t thank them. Or will they think that we’re thanking them only so they will give her a gift? Help!
BRIDE
Don’t turn this into a hall of mirrors. People gave you wedding gifts, and you should thank them for them. Yes, it would have been better if you and your husband had done so promptly. But you can’t control how your delayed thanks will be interpreted; you can only do the right thing. So, get the notes out as quickly as you can manage.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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