Some dates are so good they almost seem like a rom-com come to life. When you meet up, it instantly feels like you’ve known each other forever, even though you just matched on Hinge hours before. You talk, laugh, and share your deepest secrets, and by the end of the night, might even find yourselves lying in bed, holding hands, and giving each other sweet kisses on the forehead.
Sometimes, this type of star-crossed connection leads to a long-term relationship, but more often than not, it fizzles within 24 hours — and just like that, you never hear from them again. On TikTok, this first date phenomenon has been dubbed the “one night relationship” theory, and it’s just as confusing as it sounds.
In a viral video, creator @christinazozulya broke it all down, saying many people seem to crave the connection of a relationship — the love, the listening, etc. — but none of the commitment. So, instead of texting you back the next day or asking you on a second date, they get their one night of closeness and then move on.
This exact scenario happened to one of her best friends, who ended up complaining about it over brunch. “What she couldn’t understand was, if [her date] did just want something casual, then why did he feel the need to share every intimate part of his life, trauma dump, seek council, etc.,” she said in the clip. And, more importantly, why did he ignore her the next day? Here, a relationship therapist explains what’s going on.
What Is The “One Night Relationship” Theory?
The “one night relationship” theory is the idea that many people open up or become really intimate on a first date. It feels like you’re laying the groundwork for a true, long-lasting connection, but then they never talk to you again.
It’s different than a flirty fling or a steamy one-night stand. One night relationships often look like cuddling in bed, sharing secrets, and talking about the future, and it often leads to ghosting.
In the case of @christinazozulya’s friend, she shared an incredibly romantic evening with a date, but when she ran into him at a party soon after, he didn’t even acknowledge her. In her comments, someone said, “I just had a one night relationship and yep, it’s not for me. I felt so awkward and weird in the morning.” Another wrote, “They are so selfish! They want to connect on their terms.” Someone else, who’s clearly been there, simply said, “Lol, these hurt so bad.”
In her TikTok, @christinazozulya speculated that many people want the perks of a relationship because they crave intimacy and closeness, and yet they only want it for one night because they’re still curious about who else is out there. It sounds so cold-hearted, and yet Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT, a therapist and owner of Sagebrush Psychotherapy, says this dynamic is surprisingly common in today’s dating world.
Why Does It Happen?
According to Bogdanovic, a “one night relationship” is a way for someone to access closeness and emotional expression without having to navigate the vulnerability, consistency, and discomfort that come with real intimacy.
“They likely feel safe being emotionally raw with you precisely because they don’t expect it to go anywhere,” she says. Instead of getting something heavy off their chest to a friend or family member — someone they’ll have to face again in the future — they trauma dump on you, a virtual stranger whom they just met on an app or during a night out.
“The moment can feel intimate, but it’s often a self-contained experience: connection without commitment,” she says. “It feels like intimacy, but often reflects emotional impulsivity or an unmet need for connection rather than a true desire for long-term closeness.”
How To Avoid One Night Relationships
If you’re tired of getting ghosted after your date holds your hand and kisses you gently on the cheek, Bogdanovic has some advice. First, she recommends keeping first dates brief. Instead of having a five-hour dinner that leads to hanging out at their place, simply get in, grab a drink, and get out.
From there, look for consistency rather than that “we were meant to be” chemistry. Do they text back? Are they asking you on a second date? If so, it could be a sign that they’re looking for a real connection, instead of a therapist. “Also, notice whether the person can tolerate slower, more mutual unfolding of connection,” she says.
If you still get ghosted, that’s OK. “Take care of yourself. Don’t worry about them,” Bogdanovic says. “Their behavior says more about them than it does about you. Focus on healing from the emotional whiplash and validating the emotions that come with it — like anger, disappointment, hurt, and confusion.” You also don’t need to get any closure. Simply chalk it up to a one night relationship, and move on.
Source:
Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT, therapist, owner of Sagebrush Psychotherapy
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