Courtesy of Lisa VanderVeen.
My daughter’s college graduation hit me profoundly.
I was proud of her, of course, but this graduation, unlike the previous ones (kindergarten, middle school and high school), signaled a change: she’s all grown up.
Even though she’s moving back home, she’s now a 22 year old adult who’s been living on her own for the past four years. She’s used to roommates — I’m not. This is how we’re navigating our new living arrangements.
There’s a line between independence and courtesy
My daughter is industrious, working several part-time jobs. She’s also building a life, making and maintaining friendships, attending concerts, and indulging in pub crawls. While I don’t tell her what to do, I expect the courtesy of communication about her plans so I don’t wake up at 2 a.m. wondering where she is.
We follow each other’s location on our phones for safety, but I don’t abuse this privilege. Knowing she’s safely in her bed or at a friend’s house helps me rest easy.
We share expenses
Her plan is to work for a year to save money for her master’s degree, an endeavor I support. Therefore, I’m keeping her on my phone and insurance accounts so she can save the money she earns. But when she runs to the grocery store for a snack, has a night out, or wants a haircut, that’s on her dime.
I’m fortunate to have a job that pays our bills. While I can, I’m happy to give her a leg up.
She has chores
One reason I haven’t downsized our family home is I knew she’d be returning. She helps maintain our house by doing chores, and not just unloading the dishwasher, her specialty since middle school. She’s become a skilled power washer, deck hole-filler, and painter, and this summer she’s rehabbing other wooden features in our yard. I’d have to pay someone else for the light repairs, mulching and staining jobs she’s capable of doing, so she earns credit doing them herself.
She’s housesitting this summer while I’m traveling, and I left her a hefty list. It had better be done when I get home.
We keep a shared calendar
Our schedules are busy and, since handing over some of the household maintenance, it’s important that we both know who’s doing what and when.
We have a shared calendar for our work schedules and choreography of daily chores such as cat litter, dishes, laundry and dinner. This allows us to keep track of the schedule and prevents me from nagging, which preserves our relationship.
Communication is key
My daughter and I have always been close and we’re good at expressing ourselves, but it’s more important now than ever. We each have pet peeves: I hate an unloaded dryer and a stolen hairbrush, she (understandably) hates it when I go to bed and leave a candle burning. It’s important to talk about these things as they arise so they don’t fester. We’ve learned to mention them kindly and without frustration, as we share mutual respect for one another.
We treat each other with thoughtfulness
Like any roommates, we consider each others’ co-living needs. I rise early for work and want quiet after 9 p.m. so, if she has a friend visiting, they stay downstairs. She loves it when I bring her coffee in bed, and I wait for her to text me the coffee emoji each morning.
I haven’t had a roommate in years, but following these guidelines works well and allows us to enjoy each other in a new way — as equals.
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