Have you ever heard of the term “mokita?” You probably have a few of your own…
“Mokita” is a Papua New Guinea word that basically refers to the truths we keep hidden. Think of the mokita as the elephant in the room that remains unaddressed. For instance, you’re at a family party and your creepy uncle keeps making random, inappropriate remarks that everyone seems to ignore for one reason or another. That’s a (rather unfortunate) form of mokita.
In romantic relationships, especially, we all have mokitas, or truths we refuse to acknowledge for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we don’t want to stir the pot or trigger conflict. Maybe we’d rather keep the peace and continue to live—and love—in delusion. However, while it’s true that we sometimes should “choose our battles,” so to speak, denying your truth can deeply impact your connection with your partner.
Additionally, there is also a form of mokita that exists within us. For example, perhaps you’re unwilling to admit that you’re unhappy or unsatisfied in your relationship. Maybe you’re attempting to come off as “chill,” trying hard not to be “too needy,” so you keep your mouth shut and repress your own wants and needs. You put up with disrespect and rarely voice your concerns, honoring your mokita. But at what cost?
Why Do We Keep Our ‘Mokitas’?
According to Jodi Wellman, MAPP, in her Psychology Today article on the topic, “Self-deception is emotionally protective.”
“It helps us avoid the sting of vulnerability, fear of failure, or the existential dread that might arise from acknowledging, for example, that our best days might be behind us—or that our coping strategies aren’t working anymore,” she wrote.
Though our intentions are pure and often rooted in self-protection, the outcomes are rarely as self-serving. In fact, the more we keep our mokitas, the more inner turmoil we usually experience.
Let me set the scene here…
Let’s say your partner is in regular contact with an ex. You notice the late-night texts, the flirtatious undertones in their interactions, and your partner’s tendency to prioritize the connection over your relationship. But instead of voicing your valid feelings, you avoid the topic altogether.
You might tell yourself, “I should trust them. I won’t say anything. I don’t want to come off as jealous.”
So, you keep it in. You let it fester. You create an emotional distance between yourself and your partner, telling yourself it’s for the best, that you’re being the bigger person, that you’re so mature and trusting, when really, you’re secretly dying inside, feeling disrespected and even betrayed.
All that’s needed is an honest conversation to confront the mokita. However, for whatever reason, you’re too afraid to have it. Maybe you’re feeding yourself a narrative that you’re just being “too much” or that you’ll lose the person if you’re honest with them. Perhaps you feel like you’re making up the situation altogether, that their conversations aren’t that flirty, and that you should be okay with it.
Confronting Your Mokitas
According to Wellman, there are a few steps you can take to address your mokitas and free yourself of the internal tension and discomfort.
First, you must be willing to look your mokita in the face and actively acknowledge it without judgment.
Once you do this, you can begin to explore your emotions surrounding it. Wellman recommended asking yourself what you might be avoiding by keeping this mokita. Are you fearing rejection? Are you telling yourself your feelings are invalid, and that voicing them might make you seem dramatic or “crazy”?
From there, it helps to talk through these emotions with someone, like a therapist or trusted friend. The goal here is to avoid shame, as that will only encourage further concealment.
You have every right to acknowledge and honor your truth—and the truth that’s hiding in plain sight.
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