I’m a 20-year-old male college student who met someone new this spring. We clicked instantly and have been dating a few months. He visited me at college, and we’re both living in New York this summer. We enjoy lovely dinners and each other’s company with almost no issues, except one major sore spot.
I recently let him know I’m not interested in monogamy right now. Having been in a long-distance monogamous relationship before, the pressure and trust issues made me skeptical of that norm. I explained that because of my past, I struggle to feel deeply sexually attracted to someone I actually care about. We have OK sex, but it lacks the fire of casual hookups. I also explained that my interest in nonmonogamy was less about actively seeking others and more about lessening the pressure around potential lapses during travel or because of distance.
He seemed to take it all right, but I later discovered that within two weeks, he slept with three people without telling me — supposedly to avoid getting cuckolded or looking foolish. I haven’t seen anyone else in the meantime, so now I guess I look foolish. When I confronted him about acting out of anger rather than communicating, he immediately blamed my original sin of wanting nonmonogamy, which he says is for “hippies and sex addicts.”
I told him how I’ve seen relationships, including my parents’, destroyed by infidelity and deception. I asked whether he would prefer a relationship filled with lies or one built on honesty — to which he said he would rather not be with me at all, which definitely hurt.
To ease tensions, I agreed to four months of exclusivity to see where we stand. I emphasized my reluctance to rush things, especially because I haven’t felt deep love or trust yet and can see that he is much more into me than I am into him. Continuing, even not in my preferred way, seemed better than cutting off someone I care about.
But I’m still curious about nonmonogamy, especially while I’m young and good-looking and trying to understand which relationship styles work for me. Should I suppress my bohemian urges and go along with his desire for exclusivity or attempt another structured conversation about it? Am I too young for this to matter or is this actually the best time to test boundaries? Any thoughts on examining this situation and mending resentments before they spiral? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Americans today are experimenting with a remarkable range of approaches to sex and relationships. Some people just want the thrill and unpredictability of new hookups, no strings. Others go for bounded polycules or prefer open relationships with specific ground rules for sex outside the partnership. And plenty — including your guy — favor the old ideal: a partner who is both a romantic center and an erotic focus. Why the diversity of practices? One reason is that our understanding of sexuality has grown more expansive. Some people, we know, feel erotic attraction only in the context of emotional intimacy, others enjoy sex but never experience romantic attraction, and many fall in between. You describe something different: a struggle to find sexual passion with people you have genuine feelings for. (Freud had much to say about that dynamic.) You attribute this to past disappointments, not to a fixed orientation. Still, it might be worth reflecting on whether there’s more to it than just history.
Whatever’s going on, a shared understanding is critical in any physical relationship. Not just to make good decisions about health and safety — though that’s obviously important — but also to avoid emotional confusion. This hasn’t happened. When you said you didn’t want to promise exclusivity, you were trying to be honest in the moment and to prepare the way for honesty in the future. Your partner evidently heard it as a threat and responded with pre-emptive payback, sleeping with others in stealth, then shifting the blame to you.
There’s nothing frivolous about wanting to test your boundaries and figure out what works. If your partner is committed to a relationship model that doesn’t appeal to you, you have grounds for moving on. The “hippies and sex addicts” remark suggests he hasn’t taken seriously what you’re feeling. You don’t owe him a long-term compromise that would leave you feeling stifled. Nor does he owe you an openness he can’t genuinely offer.
True, a summer of exclusivity isn’t a lifelong contract; you could treat it as another kind of experiment. What you shouldn’t do is make promises and not keep them. The worry remains that this experiment would be an act of misplaced charity. I’m inclined to think that your partner deserves someone who’s thrilled to share his bed, not resigned to it, and that you deserve the chance to try a situationship where you can find fire where it naturally sparks. If you can’t create that together, the kindest choice may be to part ways — and allow yourselves to find, separately, what you’re each looking for.
A Bonus Question
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. We love each other a lot, and I am confident we have a lot of transparency in our relationship. Despite my repeated requests, however, he refuses to add me as a friend on a popular social media platform we both use regularly. He refuses even to tell me what his handle is. Does he have an obligation to add me, or is it fine for him to refuse? — Savannah
From the Ethicist:
There’s no hard-and-fast rule about whether couples must follow each other on social media. Many couples live happily with separate digital lives. The issue isn’t that your boyfriend is shirking some official social media duty. It’s that he’s withholding something you’ve clearly said matters to you, without offering any real explanation for why.
It’s only natural to wonder if he’s presenting himself online in ways he doesn’t want you to see — maybe as single or with interests, views or behaviors that would trouble you. Maybe he’s in touch with an ex that he would rather you didn’t know about. When you’re shut out, the mind naturally fills in the blanks.
Trust isn’t built on concealment or half-explanations. When your partner insists on drawing the digital curtain over your protests, the relationship can start feeling like a guessing game. At a certain point, it’s not your job to solve the mystery. It’s his job to stop creating one.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader concerned about the home of her elderly in-laws. She wrote: “The outside of the home is extremely unkempt, and the inside is horrible; the hoarding has gone on for many years. They refuse to get help to clean it out or even discuss it, and I fear for their safety. … Is it unethical for me to call authorities (secretly) for a well-being check? It might force my son-in-law’s parents to deal with their mess or it could cause them to lose their home. I feel awful that they live this way.”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “While hoarding disorder is a recognized psychiatric condition with real dangers, the squalor you perceive is, in a sense, your problem, not theirs. They don’t see their living situation as problematic. That’s one reason a wellness (or welfare) check, typically performed by law enforcement, is unlikely to achieve what you’re hoping for. … And your in-laws could well see such a visit as a betrayal, potentially straining family relationships.
“The most realistic approach may be to abandon the fantasy of fixing the situation and turn to what the experts call ‘harm reduction.’ Offer assistance with organizing, not discarding. Frame your involvement as support, not intrusion. … This is one of those problems that probably has no real solution. All you can do is keep caring, keep communicating and keep looking for opportunities, however small, to enable your in-laws to live safer, healthier lives.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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You are not blood relatives. It is not your place to interfere. This is for their son and close family to handle (or not handle). Compassion and respect is what you can offer, and help clearing pathways and putting batteries in smoke detectors — but only if their more immediate family requests that kind of help from you. Make the offer. Respect boundaries. Respect privacy. They may turn down any offer you make to help, and their wishes should be respected. If your son-in-law seems to be in denial about an obvious safety issue, discuss it gently with him. And then respect boundaries again. They are his parents, not yours. — Gayle
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My firm belief and experience is that people relax when they are believed and accepted. Be present, positive, ask for more information and make kind eye contact, while not giving corrections or solutions. Your eyes and words should convey, “I understand, that’s difficult, not always fair, not easy.” In my opinion, being received this way is the best medicine for change to occur. — Linda
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I believe she is overstepping. The couple’s family should be contacting the doctor, and making sure they are taken for regular checkups. Frequent visits by family and friends, offers to organize or make a pathway were excellent suggestions. My father-in-law lived in his basement with stacks of newspapers all over, and it was not very clean, but wouldn’t let us throw anything out. Obviously we were concerned, but he was happy. — Pam
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It is none of the letter-writer’s business. The so-called hoarders are not the letter-writer’s in-laws; they are the daughter’s in-laws. This pretense of having an actual familial relationship replete with certain rights and responsibilities leads me to question the letter writer’s intentions, especially given that the hoarders’ son and family are fully aware of the situation. Going behind the family’s back to insinuate yourself into what is most likely a distressing family issue and then taking action without their knowledge is bound to backfire into serious familial strife. You are all adults. Talk to your son-in-law. Talk to his family. Share your concerns and try to reach a solution that’s comfortable for everyone involved. — Marianne
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When our mother, who was in the early stages of dementia, began to drive erratically, my brother and his wife wrote an anonymous letter to the state D.M.V., alerting the agency to her deficits. When the D.M.V. contacted our mother to require her to take a driving test, we were left with the responsibility of flying down and taking her. Unsurprisingly, she failed the test, lost her license and was absolutely devastated. We never told her who had “turned her in,” but if we had, it’s safe to posit that she would have felt even worse. If a concerned relative wishes to take corrective action in a situation, I believe that it is better to be upfront and honest, rather than notifying authorities behind the families’ backs. — Elizabeth
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
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