Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you gave, gave, gave while actively neglecting your own needs? You might be a people pleaser. However, rest assured, you’re definitely not alone.
People-pleasing is a common yet unhealthy pattern in many relationships, from friendships to romantic connections. Despite it being a default for many of us, it’s not a sustainable way to operate in love. Here’s how to leave people-pleasing behind for good.
What is people-pleasing?
People pleasing essentially involves catering to others’ needs at the expense of your own. Essentially, at the core, you believe your desires and needs aren’t as important or rational as others. So, you neglect yourself to be there for someone else.
According to Psychology Today, “The people-pleaser needs to please others for reasons that may include fear of rejection, insecurities, [and] the need to be well-liked. If he stops pleasing others, he thinks everyone will abandon him; he will be uncared for and unloved. Or he may fear failure; if he stops pleasing others, he will disappoint them, which he thinks will lead to punishment or negative consequences.”
This line of thinking can be dangerous. Not to mention, if your ability to show up for others is driven by fear of loss, it’s not as selfless or authentic as you might think. It becomes a form of survival, not an act of love.
Tips for healing from people-pleasing
Here are three ways to better prioritize your own needs in your relationship.
1. Identify your own wants and needs
If you don’t understand your own needs and boundaries, you’ll never know how to fulfill them. The first step to recovering from people-pleasing is getting to know yourself. Write down some of your must-meet standards in a relationship, journal about how you like to receive love, and explore your tendency to pour into others before yourself. Then, find ways to prioritize your own needs first.
2. Set some personal boundaries
Boundaries are crucial to recovering from people-pleasing. If you can’t set and follow your own boundaries for yourself, no one else will, either. This is a recipe for self-neglect.
For example, let’s say you’ve been doing all the accommodating in your relationship. You’re driving to your partner every weekend, planning all the dates, going to their events, and fitting into their schedule with zero regard for your own life. So, you start to feel resentful. You’re physically exhausted, emotionally burned out, and just downright frustrated. This is a clear indication that you need to set some healthy boundaries, as you are continuously allowing yourself to overgive without getting your needs met in return.
In this situation, boundaries might look like only driving to your partner every other week, prioritizing your life and people, and only attending events when you have the energy and want to be there. How your partner responds and steps up (or doesn’t) will tell you everything you need to know. If your needs still aren’t being met, you can decide whether the relationship is worth investing in.
3. Communicate before resentment breeds
Our partners can’t read our minds. If you’re feeling drained or unfulfilled, it’s on you to communicate that to your significant other. Rather than pushing your own feelings down and telling yourself you’re being “too needy,” communicate openly and honestly with your partner. This helps you avoid resentment, which will inevitably build if you continue to abandon yourself in the name of “love.”
The post Are You a People Pleaser? 3 Ways to Stop People-Pleasing in Your Romantic Relationship. appeared first on VICE.
