I’ll never forget when I started dating again after a massive breakup during the pandemic, starting over after a 5+ year relationship. I was lost, confused, isolated, and completely at a loss when it came to dating. I had no idea what I wanted—the type of relationship I was looking for, the characteristics I desired in a partner, etc.
At the time, my therapist proposed a simple solution: get quiet with myself and visualize my ideal partner/relationship. Then, write down a list of things I want without any shame or doubt clouding my mind. In fact, the more specific I got, the better, she said.
Employing this dating strategy was helpful at first. I was able to weed out partners who I knew wouldn’t align with me. For example, I knew I wanted monogamy and a serious relationship, so I didn’t bother talking to anyone who was searching for something casual or just looking to hook up.
I also knew I wanted someone who had emotional depth—someone I could bond with over art and music. Again, this helped me skip past anyone who could only maintain surface-level conversations or flirty banter.
However, while it’s great to have non-negotiables in dating, in time, I realized I might have been being a bit too picky.
Are Your Expectations in Dating Too High?
I want to start this by saying that I don’t think our standards can necessarily be too high. Unless, of course, you can’t even meet your own standards in some way. However, our expectations can be unrealistic at times.
For example, you might want someone who is 6’5, handsome, kind, rich, and treats you like a princess. Or maybe you’re looking for a down-to-earth, naturally beautiful homemaker who wants kids in the next few years. But then, years go by, and you start to wonder why you’re still single…
In which case, it’s time to ask yourself whether your expectations are grounded in reality. Are you the type of person who would attract these partners? If you want a hot, rich husband who prioritizes and financially takes care of you, are you willing to support him and his career without resentment? If you want a stay-at-home mom who cooks and cleans for you, do you have your own career to support her lifestyle?
Not to mention, when we do set these standards for potential partners, are we valuing the right things? Are you focusing more on superficial traits, or are you actually seeking an authentic, lasting connection—one that can survive for decades?
Re-Evaluating Your Standards
Years later, when I revisited my own “ideal partner” list, I noticed I included far too many physical attributes, including a good sense of style, a tall height, and specific hair and eye color. And I won’t lie—I found someone who had all of them.
But emotionally, he fell short. The relationship was unfulfilling, emotionally unsafe, and toxic in a variety of ways. To no fault of our own, we were not compatible and completely unaligned.
Today, I have completely shifted what I seek in a partner. I value kindness, emotional intelligence, maturity, a good sense of humor, support, and empathy—both in a potential partner and in myself.
Because if you can’t meet your own expectations, then how can you expect someone else to do so?
The post Are Your Expectations Too High? How to Set Realistic Standards in Relationships. appeared first on VICE.
