Sometimes, you fly your private plane to Orlando to pick up your raggedy dog. Sometimes, you throw a baby shower with no babies, where guests must eat out of diapers. Sometimes, you ditch drinks with friends to get with your ex-husband-turned-situationship.
Sometimes, you do nothing of the sort, just turning on the TV to see what the wacky women of Miami are up to now.
A new bombshell has entered The Real Housewives of Miami, and she’s exactly what you’d expect: rich in a morally questionable way; married to a much older, shady man; and dressed like a Stepford wife who has a plastic surgeon on speed-dial. Stephanie has a Bree Van de Kamp hairdo with an Edie Britt mentality, and she’s ready to cause chaos.
But first, we have to tie up some loose ends. The episode begins with Julia and Guerdy dividing and conquering, both telling a tale about what happened on Marysol’s pirate ship.
Guerdy’s side of the story is simple: She showed up to a party where no one really likes her and left it soaking wet. Not a fun night.
Julia, however, was possessed by a vicious spirit who forced her hand, transporting the water out of her cup and onto Guerdy. There was nothing she could do! Maybe Guerdy should stop being so rude and commandeering all the time, and people wouldn’t have to douse the wicked witch with water.
I’m sure that defense will really land with audiences.
Julia has embraced a level of villainy that many will find sickening, and I, too, find it sickening, but in the way a gay person uses that term. She’s gone full-tilt diva, crying to her opera singing coach as though she’s the victim of an evil attack. She’s giving the killer in Curtains (1983), a fantastic Canadian slasher that’s also an adult drama watched by three people worldwide—one of whom is clearly Julia Lemigova… if that’s even her real name.
“I feel that Guerdy decided to wage a war with the whole family,” Julia tells her wife at the grocery store, fully doubling down on delusion.
Meanwhile, Guerdy cries her eyes out because the #MiamiMeanGirls coerced Julia into attacking her. Did she not notice Larsa shake her head slightly and say “I don’t like that” after Julia threw the water? I guess Jesus was misunderstood in the moment, too.
The rest of the episode goes back to basics, as Guerdy goes to New York while Larsa introduces the group to Stephanie, before everyone convenes for Julia’s baby shower, sponsored by the illustrious “Fyah” singer, Adriana de Moura.
First, we meet Stephanie on a private flight from Miami to Orlando to pick up her dog, because driving is too gauche. This is lifestyle porn, apparently. Somewhere, someone is saying “now this is a Real Housewife” while we sit and watch our 42-inch TVs. Look, this is certainly something the doctor formerly known as Nicole would have done—no wonder Stephanie and her share an ex. More on that, soon…
Already, Stephanie’s proving her true asset to the cast isn’t her many millions. It’s her dry wit and blunt behavior. While the red flags run aplenty (seriously, why does Stephanie’s husband love Martina?), Stephanie has the je ne se quoi of a Housewife who doesn’t read Reddit before jumping into filming. I’m a sucker for a stank Housewife. No more confessional comedians!
“Age difference was a really big deal for me. I did not want to be seen with an older gentleman because of the misconception of people thinking that if you are with an older guy, you are probably a gold digger. And then I met Masoud, and everything changed,” she says in a confessional.
What changed, exactly? Probably that she “knew at a very young age that I want to be filthy rich,” and one way to do that is marrying a businessman twice your age… for love! Whether that’s a love of money or a romantic love is not my business.
That’s not what this episode is about. It’s about the friction that ensues when former best friends stop living in sync.
For Alexia and Marysol, that divide comes as Alexia continues her descent back into loving Todd, ditching plans with the ladies to go on a lover’s rendezvous. For Adriana and Julia, it’s all about Julia’s continued slither towards the Alexysol alliance and away from Adriana’s island of misfit friends. And, for Lisa and Larsa, it’s about both being in your self-centered bag at the same exact time, realizing that your sister and best friend doesn’t have time to even pretend she can be there for you.
Thankfully, Adriana’s baby shower for Julia is the perfect venue for all these issues to come to the surface. Leave it to the Miami maven to finally host an all-cast event—it’s not her fault Guerdy didn’t show up! As you’d expect from a baby shower, the event is full of mothers, both literally and figuratively.
First, Alexia bops in, still living the lie that she ditched yesterday’s plans due to a migraine.
“I’m very stressed out. I have a lot of anxiety, just about everything, life in general. My life, like about my situation right now with Todd. Which, by the way, you added a lot of stress to,” Alexia gestures toward Adriana. Mother.
Next, Stephanie waltzes in and tells Alexia, “Can I just tell you something without overstepping my boundaries?” before comparing Alexia’s renewed relationship with Todd to digging through the trash. What a beautiful first impression. It’s very Sutton Stracke joining The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and immediately groaning at a pregnant Teddi Mellencamp. No need for pleasantries when you’re here to take over the show!
Then, Lisa asks why she wasn’t invited to last night’s happy hour, to which Marysol responds: “Uh, well, yeah… Well, because, well, uh, you know, I think there was, you know, and it wouldn’t have worked.”
Finally, Adriana grabs the mic to give a beautiful speech about Julia, which Alexia decides is the perfect moment to give a speech of her own, in response. The two then duel over their friendship with Julia, as though it’s a competition. This room is full of mothers.
Only one of them was brave enough to queerbait the audience with a will-they-won’t-they—including a long-forgotten stint on Watch What Happens Live where she implied she’s dating a woman—all the while Julia was fully married, though. You can’t outdo the doer.
This baby shower may have diaper dishes that look as appetizing as literal s–t, but it’s just a runaway train of perfection. Every woman on RHOM is so hilarious, whether Larsa’s declaring that her biggest flaw in life is being too loyal, or Lisa’s telling Stephanie she’s really excited to get to know her since she’s rich and has a jet and a yacht. I do want to give Lisa the benefit of the doubt and assume she was being a bit facetious, but this is Lisa Hochstein, so it’s better to assume she’s tactless.
That’s certainly the case when she texts Larsa a photo of her dead dad and later goes on a crusade once Kiki reveals that Guerdy told Lisa what happened at Marysol’s wedding celebration, leading Lisa to break down in tears. So, yeah, this baby shower has nothing to do with these babies, and thank God for that.
Next week, the train keeps going full speed ahead, as Julia and Guerdy sit down for a one-on-one, while Lisa and Stephanie squabble on the sprinter van to Alexia’s Greek goddess gathering. Thank you to Bravo for creating a world where sentences like that are possible.
The post The ‘Real Housewives of Miami’ Are Terrible Friends—And Amazing TV appeared first on The Daily Beast.
