Building and maintaining healthy relationships takes work, but the payoff is huge. People with strong social ties lead happier lives. Romance and friendship are a boon to physical and mental health.
Of course, cultivating connection in a world that feels increasingly lonely isn’t easy. Which is why, as reporters who write about relationships, we spend a lot of time talking to experts about what works, what doesn’t, and how to wring the most from your romantic bonds.
With that in mind, here is some of our favorite advice those experts have shared with us so far this year.
Ask your partner something new every week.
Curiosity can help enliven a relationship, particularly if you and your partner have been together for decades, said Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute, the sexuality and relationships research center at Indiana University.
“Curiosity is a powerful, powerful tonic,” he argued, because it sends a clear message: I am interested in you.
One simple way to infuse your relationship with a bit of curiosity? Every week or so, ask your partner something new. It could be something deep or it could be something small and silly.
Don’t have a partner? It works with friends and family, too. (This list of 25 questions to ask your mother, which you can use with any loved one, is a great starting point.)
Stop focusing so much on being right.
Terry Real, a couples therapist and the author “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, is a big fan of the maxim: “Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”
Partners often get too hung up on winning an argument, he said in a panel at the Well Festival in May — to the detriment of their relationship. He tells his clients to imagine their relationship as a “biosphere” that they must live within and nurture together. Often, protecting the biosphere is more important than scoring a point.
It’s not easy advice to follow, Mr. Real acknowledged. In the heat of the moment — when you’re fixated on somehow convincing your partner that you’re right — you might pause and ask: How do I want to spend my time? Do I really want to spend it arguing? Sometimes, the answer is yes! But other times, you can choose to prioritize compassion and collaboration for the sake of the biosphere.
Steer clear of this toxic tactic.
James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University, has noticed an unhelpful relationship habit among his clients that he has termed “Sméagol-ing,” based on a character in the film “The Lord of the Rings” who changes “from aggressive Gollum into sniveling Sméagol.”
During a conflict, one person will air a grievance, Dr. Cordova said, “and the other person will respond with: ‘I know, I’m the worst. I’m a terrible partner. I don’t even know why you’re with me.’” Rather than dealing with the problem, Dr. Cordova said, “they just fold, like Sméagol.”
If your partner is Sméagol-ing, Dr. Cordova recommended that you affirm your partner’s experience (“I know it’s hard to receive feedback — it’s hard for me, too”), and reassure your partner that you care. Then reiterate that you need your partner to understand what you’re saying and why it matters, he said.
If you find yourself transforming into Sméagol, practice resisting the urge to cower, take the focus off yourself and address your partner’s concern directly, Dr. Cordova said.
Go on a nostalgic date.
If you and your partner have been together for a long time, a nostalgic activity can boost your affection by enhancing your sense of belonging and commitment, said Ashley Thompson, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota, Duluth.
Think of a date that you went on early in your relationship and try it again, Dr. Thompson suggested. Or pop some popcorn, park yourselves on the couch, hook up your photo library to the television and taking a journey down memory lane, she added.
You can also revisit something you or your partner used to enjoy when you were younger, like ice skating or indoor roller-skating, said Tennesha Wood, a dating coach and matchmaker in Atlanta. This brings out or revives your sense of playfulness, she said.
Avoid the silent treatment.
Some people think that using the silent treatment is a benign way of dealing with conflict, said Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.
It isn’t, she explained. “The silent treatment is a punishment, whether you are acknowledging that to yourself or not,” she said. It prolongs a conflict rather than solves it; and for the person who is being frozen out, it creates “anxiety and fear, and feelings of abandonment,” Dr. Saltz added.
And being excluded and ignored hurts, said Kipling Williams, emeritus professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University. His research suggested that being put in that position activates the same pain regions in the brain as physical pain.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask for a timeout instead, Dr. Williams said.
Prioritize ‘me’ time.
Social well-being is shaped by a variety of daily interactions, from the small talk you make with a neighbor or colleague, to the deep talks you have with loved ones. But getting high-quality alone time is important, too. (Introverts, rejoice!)
“Because all social interactions are energy depleting, time alone is restorative,” explained Andy Merolla, of the University of California, Santa Barbara, and Jeffrey Hall, of the University of Kansas, in their book “The Social Biome.”
When you get a stretch of time to yourself, resist the urge to immediately pick up your phone, they said. Instead focus on stress reduction and activities that help quiet the body and mind — perhaps a little “hurkle-durkle”? Restorative solitude helps give you the energy to invest in your relationships.
Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.
Jancee Dunn, who writes the weekly Well newsletter for The Times, has covered health and science for more than 20 years.
The post The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Heard So Far This Year appeared first on New York Times.
