The eyes are popping, the drinks are tossing, and The Real Housewives of Miami are firing on all cylinders.
Only on Bravo could an eye-patch-wearing woman’s third wedding to the same man be upstaged by the feud between two Housewives over… Below Deck Med star Captain Sandy? For these ladies, it’s just another day in the 305.
It all starts with the surprise plan for Marysol’s third wedding (first televised and first legally, which means the others aren’t canon), helmed by Cuban Barbie Alexia Nepola. What better gift could anyone give Marysol than a knock-out, drag-down fight that’s sure to make her wedding the event of the season? That’s love.
Somehow, that wild fight all hinges on Julia Lemigova, whose prior contributions to the show include the immaculate “it’s LARSA!” soundbite, comparing Alexia to a barracuda, and pioneering the first-ever Housewives will they, won’t they with the incomparable Adriana de Moura.
Rarely a drama monger, Julia has shed her timid skin and emerged as a snake in her own right. She’s on the outs with her former bestie Adriana—a huge loss during Pride of all months—and feuding with Guerdy over a Zoom call faux paus and the alleged aftermath of a messy maritime moment. Yes, I love alliteration, why do you ask?
Julia has disparaged Guerdy to the entire cast, pissed beyond belief that she hopped on the cruise to fill in for Martina and then wanted to attend events Martina would have attended. Confusing, yes, but at least Julia didn’t even bother to come up with a lie that makes Guerdy look bad. Sometimes, you just decide you hate someone and that’s all there is to it.
Julia’s reasoning?
“She makes it about herself. That’s her M.O. And, you know what? I have no time for that.”
Guerdy does tend to be self-interested, but it’s not exactly a quality unique to her, particularly on a cast with the likes of Alexia, Lisa, and Larsa. Guerdy has been a bit busy this past year, given the fact she had cancer and all. All she wanted was to attend a dinner with Captain Sandy, which isn’t even that much to ask! She’s a C-tier Bravolebrity. It’s not like she was trying to score a dinner date with Mother Marks.
Kiki, formerly a friend-of who now gets full-fledged solo scenes just like her veteran friends Adriana and Marysol, does great bone-carrying here, telling Guerdy that everyone’s been talking about how annoying she is, and that’s why the group iced her out of Alexia’s dinner.
Obviously, Guerdy doesn’t take kindly to becoming a social pariah for the alleged happenings of this cruise, and she makes that known at Marysol’s post-wedding celebration.
There’s something so beautiful about the event. Alexia can’t stop mentioning Todd, hosting it at the very spot the two met, while wistfully mentioning he bought her the earrings she’s wearing. Meanwhile, Larsa’s coming in hot to start rumors about Lisa’s boyfriend Jody’s alleged drug usage while Lisa is away at her father’s funeral. And, as though that’s not enough, we still have an entire Guerdy vs. Julia segment, complete with a drink toss.
Of course, Marysol would be the afterthought at her own celebration, having to waltz in with an eye patch thanks to an unfortunate stye. Marysol is a supporting cast member, through and through. Like Laurie from The White Lotus, she’s just happy to be at the table. Sometimes, there’s no better place to be.
After all, this is a cast full of self-interested women. You can practically see Larsa tune Alexia out after she asks how she’s been, because she doesn’t really care. Half the cast show up in white, because why wouldn’t they? This is The Real Housewives of Miami.
The second Kiki shows up in her bridal chic, she lights a match to make sure the party will go up in flames.
“Speaking of Guerdy, she feels like Julia is brainwashing you guys.” Straight to the point. Succinct. The words of a workhorse who knows what this event is really about. Does Guerdy know, though? Before we even see her face, we hear her say, “I’m here to party, honey!”
Just depends what her definition of partying is, I suppose. To some, ending the night with a major blowout, covered in someone else’s drink is the sign of a successful outing, after all. It’s certainly the sign of a successful night on Bravo. We love to watch what happens, whether live or six months delayed.
And no one loves it more than Kiki, who has already sparked the flames of Guerdy vs. Julia when she tells Larsa: “I want to hear about Milan!”
This gives the lovely Larsa a chance to tell the ladies all about her and Lisa’s fight, make-up, and further feud once Jody supposedly went off the deep end. Kiki does some great gasp work, here, shocked and appalled at the photo of Jody’s bulging eyes.
Look, I wouldn’t be shocked if the same Jody who went to his bedroom to “get some AC” was induced in a way, but I don’t disagree with Alexia that that’s just what he looks like. Maybe that’s a bigger issue, but this photo is kind of just a photo of Jody.
Then, Larsa launches into a tirade accusing Jody of gold-digging and controlling Lisa, which, like… yeah. Sure. Lisa Hochstein would definitely be appalled at someone gold-digging, having married her much older first husband for purely authentic and loving reasons. I bet she’ll be thrilled to return from her father’s funeral and hear about all this.
Lucky for Lisa, that kind of becomes an afterthought as soon as Julia launches into a very odd outburst of her own, although her eyes looked normal so maybe it doesn’t matter.
Julia hops up out of her seat to congratulate Marysol and Steve, shoving herself in the middle of their kiss, before returning to the group amped up and angry. All it takes is Guerdy asking if they should chat one-on-one or with the group to make Julia leap out of her chair, pointing and yelling at Guerdy for producing a scene. That curly-cue Instagram apology is starting to make sense, now.
Just as things seem to calm down, that convoluted cruise comes up again. While Guerdy relitigates what she feels happened (Julia called her begging her to join the cruise due to an unexplained health care of Martina’s, apparently), Julia tells the others, “This woman is scary. I’m telling you, she’s psychopath scary.”
Then, it reaches a point of no return as Julia soaks Guerdy (and Kiki!) with some water, while the Miami mamis sit at the table disgusted by this classless display.
It’s shocking, visceral, and wildly exciting. There’s nothing quite like the dopamine rush of a wild Housewives blowout—especially when it plays out without a cliffhanger in sight. The attacks just keep coming, Julia accusing Guerdy of doing everything for social media while Guerdy claims Julia got a face-lift while Martina was getting chemo.
Obviously, Julia made a mess of it all, embarrassing herself wholly in the process. But it’s incredibly funny Guerdy didn’t just get up and leave as it escalated, staying well beyond the boiling point until both of them looked silly. Delusion is a contagious disease running rampant in Miami, and thank God for that.
Next week, our reprieve from Lisa vs. Larsa will end, as Alexia ignites round three of the best feud on TV, while new Housewife Stephanie joins the mix. This cast is perfect as is, but it’s so exciting to toss in an unknown after three years of stagnation.
Sorry to the fallen Jax Taylor, maybe these are the best days of our lives.
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