He was charming. He spoke several languages. Things were going well until Ann Parker, a retired public relations consultant, noticed something strange about her date’s driving style.
“Every now and then, he’d release the steering wheel and quickly lick his hands,” she said.
The relationship did not last much longer.
Ms. Parker was experiencing the immediate turnoff known to daters as “the ick,” a sudden pang of aversion, usually prompted by someone’s behavior, appearance or personality trait.
Although the term isn’t new — by some estimates, it was first used in the 1990s on the series “Ally McBeal” — “the ick” often crops up in popular culture and gets frequent mention online. #Theick racked up nearly 225,000 TikTok posts in the past year, according to a representative for the company.
The term even prompted psychology researchers from Azusa Pacific University to do a study, published in May, which found that over a quarter of surveyed singles who had experienced “the ick” found it worrisome enough that they reported ending the relationship immediately.
“The Ick” may have a catchy name, but it captures something significant about the uncertainty of dating: the sneaking realization that a person might not be right for you.
It can be tricky to figure out how much weight to give an “ick,” said Brian Collisson, a professor of psychology at Azusa Pacific University who coauthored the study. “You could reject a really great person over a superficial trait, or you could be tapping into something that could be a problem later on,” he said.
The New York Times asked readers to share instances where they’ve experienced “the ick” and received nearly 500 wide-ranging responses.
Leigh Mulready of Sunnyvale, Calif., was grossed out when a guy she was newly dating phoned her from the toilet. Kathleen McCue of Bethesda, Md., was turned off by the unprompted karate moves her date started doing after dinner. And Juan Pablo of Mexico City was repelled when he learned that someone he was interested in bought fake books to decorate her home: “They were basically empty cardboard boxes with the cover printed on them,” he explained.
But romantic attraction is subjective, said Isabelle Morley, a clinical psychologist and author of “They’re Not Gaslighting You,” and what may turn off one person is appealing to another.
“Some people think it’s disgusting to burp in public,” Dr. Morley explained. “Some people think that’s hilarious.”
That uneasy feeling
Researchers don’t really know what’s happening in our brains when we get the “ick.”But when we’re turned off by something, it isn’t an automatic sign that “there’s something wrong with us, or wrong with the other person,” said Kesia Constantine, an adjunct clinical supervisor in applied psychology at New York University.
Not everyone is put off by someone awkwardly chasing an errant ping pong ball (an example from Dr. Collisson’s study) or “playing nonstop Jimmy Buffett” (a reader’s “ick”). So, if you find yourself repulsed by some innocuous quirk, Dr. Morley said, “the ick” can be an invitation to get curious about your reaction.
Martin Blagdurn of Douglas, Mich., wrote that “unkempt nose hair” turns him off. (Luxuriant ear hair was also mentioned by several readers). But nose hair can be trimmed, Dr. Morley said.
She encourages people to ask themselves why, specifically, they’re bothered, and to reflect on their dating history. Do you have a tendency to bolt after the first sign of uneasiness? Does this “ick” signal incompatibility, or is it just annoying?
“That will start to rule out whether you’re getting in your own way or being too hard on people,” she said.
If the person’s appealing qualities outweigh the “ick,” Dr. Morley added, consider talking to the person about your reaction. “Because that’s a lot of what relationships require — communication and flexibility and adjustments,” she said.
When, for instance, a date pulls out a guitar and offers an unwanted serenade — which several readers mentioned as an “ick” — “it’s OK to say, ‘That was so sweet, but it makes me embarrassed to have someone sing to me,’” Dr. Morley said.
Dr. Collisson suggested discussing concerns with your potential partner instead of your friends — as awkward as that conversation may be. Through his research he has learned that “the vast majority of people are talking about their ‘icks’ to everybody except for the person eliciting the ick.”
When ‘icks’ become deal breakers
Things like road rage and being rude to a waiter were mentioned by several readers. And “icks” like these “could be a little snapshot of how this person handles potentially stressful situations,” Dr. Collisson said.
In those cases “you can 100 percent just trust your ick,” Dr. Constantine said. “Our instincts are powerful, and in those moments, the most powerful message is ‘This does not feel right or good for me.’”
Other situations, however, might not be as clear. Susannah Harris of Richmond, Va., said that she once dated someone who “for some reason, really smelled like pleather — specifically, ’90s pleather.”
It’s not a red flag, but some subjects are hard to broach, Dr. Constantine said. And, if you don’t feel comfortable (or simply don’t care enough) to work through what you’re feeling, it’s OK to let the relationship go, she said.
“It feels insulting to say, ‘I don’t like the way you smell,’” she said. If he worked in a pleather factory, she added, you could suggest showering before dates. But if the smell is actually part of his natural scent, she said, “then it might be the very primitive way of our system saying that this is not a match.”
Getting over it
Jennifer M. of Syracuse, N.Y., who asked that we only use her last initial, was shocked when an otherwise-promising date kept wiping his tongue on his napkin while eating, she said.
“Yuck,” she remembers thinking. “I really don’t want to see that.”
While it’s helpful to know what you like or dislike, a relationship is more than the sum of its parts, said Samantha Joel, an associate professor of psychology at Western University, who studies how people make decisions in romantic relationships.
You don’t have to work through an “ick,” but if you want to, she recommends putting the “ick” in context, and reflecting on how you feel when you’re with this person: assessing whether you feel good about yourself or whether they’re easy to talk to.
And if a minor habit gives you the “ick” in an otherwise healthy relationship, Dr. Constantine added, consider whether you can build a tolerance for it. If a person you’re into puts ketchup on their eggs, you can avert your eyes, she suggested. Because who among us, she asks, hasn’t made someone else cringe?
And even though some people in Dr. Collisson’s study of “icks” bailed quickly, 32 percent continued dating, he said. Jennifer M., who was alarmed when the man she was dating wiped his tongue on his napkin, said he still has the habit.
She would know: They’ve been married for 35 years.
Jancee Dunn, who writes the weekly Well newsletter for The Times, has covered health and science for more than 20 years.
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