Bravo cameras are once again following the Real Housewives on solo trips where major interpersonal drama ensues: We are so back.
The Real Housewives of Miami just followed a banger premiere with an even more impressive follow-up. From coke allegations to extreme narcissism and marital drama, this episode has it all, in large part because this cast is too delusional to be anything but irritatingly authentic.
As Larsa embarks on a trip to Milan for her son’s runway debut, she bumps heads with a fellow model: Lisa. It’s like a sitcom, down to production’s decision to give the ladies one car from the airport. That’s how you make a show!
The two refuse to let bygones be bygones, instead squabbling all throughout the beautiful city of Milan, from the car ride to the runway and the after-party, even bringinging rapper Fabolous into the mix to ask his take.
Never has there been more proof Lisa and Larsa are mirror images of each other than their self-centered journey through tonight’s episode. They share a lot more than the same plastic surgery Pinterest board. The two are completely unaware how to exist in any situation without making it entirely about themselves. It’s truly a beautiful state of mind, lacking introspection at every turn.
As Larsa takes ring light selfies during Lisa’s walk and quips that her son wouldn’t walk the runway without his nepotistic connections (true, for what it’s worth), Lisa bumbles around Italy while her father takes his last breaths, ignoring her boyfriend in the process.
Miami never misses a beat, even when it’s just two ladies filming solo footage.
Back in the motherland, Miami mami Alexia has embarked on a tour-de-force of her own, proving exactly why she’s center mojito. You see, the average Housewife might spend a full season separated before introducing a twist to the dynamic. Alexia comes from the world of telenovelas, though.
Existing in anything but chaos is foreign to her, so it’s no surprise she’s so enamored with Todd’s rollercoaster of emotion. To most, having a man leave you (and abandoning your son who needs guidance in the midst) would be a dealbreaker. But to the final boss of love conquering all, it’s simply a challenge to love harder, be more open, and let it all hang out in the name of romance.
Todd may have humiliated her and filed for divorce, but don’t you see? That’s just his way of saying, “If you love me, prove it.”
Delusion is the most beautiful language. Leave it to the women of Miami to master yet another dialect.
Truly, who’s more delusional: Lisa, Larsa, or Alexia?
On one hand, we have Larsa switching from her real voice to confessional voice to deliver lines like, “Preston is the creative one in the group. I think he loves fashion. I think he’s really smart in school” about her son like she’s just getting to know him. And maybe she is! Let’s normalize weekend moms.
On the other, we have Lisa, who would rather be on the catwalk than watch her dad die—which isn’t delusional, per say, it’s just darkly funny.
It leads to this banger of a Larsa quote: “Well, you should’ve been there than here. You shouldn’t have come!” she says. “If he’s not going to make it in a week, then you shouldn’t be here.”
And finally, there’s Alexia, who knew that it was a bad idea for Lisa and Larsa to chat at Jody’s birthday party. Those margaritas… They were really stiff! They can’t be responsible for what came out under the spell of such truth serum. To be fair, that actually makes sense. Her friendship instincts aren’t really the issue here.
If anyone has a delusional view of friendship, it may be Julia, who has decided to excise Guerdy from her life because she couldn’t join Julia’s Zoom call in time and sent a “congrats” text about her new babies. Let’s not pretend Lisa was on that call either. We all know what it means to be camera off. She was three rooms away having a snack.
Julia’s biggest crime, though, may be her Instagram story in curly-cue font, preemptively apologizing for her villain season—followed by a convoluted post by Guerdy, herself. Ladies, please, I’m begging… Watching these shows is already a full-time job. You can’t make me dissect your Instagram stories, too. Especially not with that nasty font.
I support a Julia villain season. I welcome it with open arms, just as she welcomed those babies. But a good villain doesn’t offer explanations, knowing it’s futile to try and appease the Bravo fanbase. The best thing you can do is be so unrepentantly evil they turn right around to loving you, like Lisa Barlow and Mary Cosby. If you can’t survive a feud against Guerdy, it might be time to give up.
Guerdy’s the people’s princess. Annoying, yes, but a cancer survivor who’s biggest flaw is being a little annoying. You’ll never win in the court of public opinion against her, so either double down like Larsa or find a new opponent. Unlike the ghost of Dr. Nicole, though, this happens to be the kind of petty drama I like, so I’ll stop complaining.
The petty drama I love? Lisa vs. Larsa. There’s not a better feud on TV. It’s hard to beat their collective brain cell in a battle. What they lack in intuition they make up for in star quality.
Every little quip is something that will pinball through my mind in every quiet moment. Larsa exclaiming “she’s a faller!” right before Lisa walked the runway so joyously… perfect. No notes. I’ve grown to see Larsa as one of the funniest Housewives of our time, a take that simultaneously shocks me and feels like a natural culmination of 100+ seasons of Housewives. Of course there would grow to be a case for Larsa on the Housewives Mount Rushmore. The world of Housewives is ever-evolving.
That’s what I love about The Real Housewives of Miami. It’s a new-age Housewives show in every sense, from its semi-aspirational cast to the rotating circle of friends-of acting as Housewives, but it’s perhaps the most classic case of Bravo we have on TV.
This Milan trip is something that many shows would pass up filming, instead giving us confessionals after the fact because production neglected to send cameras. But it’s the kind of character work that’s so necessary and exciting. We don’t want to hear about fashion shows. We want to watch them! Take that note as you look to retool RHONY once again, Bravo.
Not only does Miami excel in these dramatic moments, it excels in personal storytelling. Alexia’s will-they-won’t-they was such a source of dread for me in the pre-season, but all those fears washed away in the Atlantic the second she appeared on screen.
Alexia includes viewers in her every thought, allowing her contradictions to appear as authentically as they are confusing. One second she’s exclaiming “They all should f—ing die!” about narcissistic men like Todd. Next, she’s calling the paparazzi and denouncing the rumors that their love has died.
I hate to bang the “Kyle Richards could never” drum, but, well… Kyle Richards would never. She certainly could.
Show, don’t tell is the Miami philosophy. And it’s only going to heat up from here, as we head into Larsa’s allegations that a coked-out Jody made a mess in Milan. I can’t wait!
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