Ten years ago this week, Donald Trump rode down a golden escalator to launch his campaign for the presidency. It was in front of only a few dozen people, many of whom the campaign had paid $50 to attend.
And yet, somehow it led to… whatever this world is we’re living in right now.
Now if you’re anything like me, remembering Trump’s campaign launch is painful. It’s not unlike watching a video of that time you got run over by an escaped Zamboni with dangling truck nutz. How, you ask, could something so utterly tacky have destroyed so much?
But as I reflect on that fateful day, I can’t help but think about one basic question:
What if he didn’t?
What if he just didn’t run? What if—and I’m just spitballing here—the escalator was broken that day and his people were all, “Hey Mr. Trump, if you want to run for president, I’m afraid you’re going to have to take the stairs.”
Welp. I think you and I both know that we’d be looking at an entirely different world.
So let’s take a little look-see into what today might look like in that other timeline. The one where he never rode down that golden escalator and never ran for the presidency. Not how life would be different for all of America, mind you. That feels too sad to contemplate till it’s in a history book.
Let’s just focus on how Trump’s life would look.
6/16/25
So here we are on June 16, 2025. Just another day in the life of extremely rich, extremely non-presidential guy: Donald J. Trump.
10:46 a.m. Trump awakens at his penthouse in Trump Tower, a place which has exactly zero protestors in front of it. He rings a bell and receives his traditional gourmet breakfast of a McRib (nothing is discontinued if you’re a billionaire), chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs, and a crisp Diet Coke.
11-11:37 a.m. Trump sits proudly upon his golden toilet watching The Price is Right. He smiles. Trump knows that he could be better than anyone at Plinko if they just gave him the chance.
11:38 a.m. Phone call with manager. Great news! Celebrity Apprentice has been renewed for season 24. The most recent season had Flo from Progressive, Honey Boo Boo, The Situation, that guy who cheated on Verizon with T-Mobile, Chad Michael Murray, a woman who sang backup for Cyndi Lauper on Time After Time, Soleil Moon Frye, Tootie from The Facts of Life, and Hawk Tuah girl. The winner was Carolyn from Survivor. She used her winnings to buy one extremely large crystal.
12 p.m. Turns on CNN, which is discussing Jimmy Carter’s work for Habitat for Humanity. (Weirdly Jimmy Carter is still alive in this timeline. I won’t speculate why.) Trump immediately calls into Fox News to tell them that the buildings he builds are actually much bigger than the ones Carter builds. “Your buildings are very large!” they say. He glows with pride.
1 p.m. GOLF. He wins by cheating. This is the same in all timelines. (Fun fact: Megyn Kelly is also exactly the same in all timelines.) Tips each of the undocumented immigrants who work at his golf course $1.
5:00-6:23 p.m. Scrolls his ex-wife, Melania’s photos on Instagram. Is she dating that Elon Musk guy or are they just friends? Uses his Finsta to heart one picture and comment “I AM TALLER THAN EVERYONE.”
6:24 p.m. Has his assistant schedule an abortion for his latest mistress, Triniteigh. The good news is, he has a punchcard and this one is free!
6:25 p.m. Steak, well done. French fries. A slice of chocolate cake that is definitely bigger than anyone else’s slice of chocolate cake.
7:53 p.m. Calls in an assistant and yells: “It’s idea time! Trump beer coozies! Trump TV dinners! Trumpets! Is that already something? Trump fidget spinners! A dog, but that can play basketball!” She writes them all down and praises his genius.
9:02 p.m. Crawls into his giant bed and thinks “I should run for Mayor of New York City.” A nice lady tucks him in with a Wendy’s Frosty in a sippy cup and sings him to sleep till he has blissful dreams of all the things he will do when he wins Plinko.
A FEW BUTTERFLY EFFECTS OF TRUMP NEVER RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
RFK Jr. sells St. John’s Wort out of a van that smells like raccoon.
Tesla stock is actually worth something.
Stephen Miller has a podcast with 19 very invested listeners.
Dr. Phil is now referred to as Mr. Phil for some legal reason no one really understands.
Ivanka Trump is a Democrat.
No one has ever heard of Anthony Scaramucci.
Kristi Noem’s face looks perfectly normal.
Kristi Noem’s dog Cricket is, unfortunately, dead in all timelines.
The post Opinion: This Is Trump’s Life Now if the Golden Escalator Had Failed appeared first on The Daily Beast.
