Dating, as it used to be defined—actual plans, actual conversations, actual intention—seems to be disappearing. In its place, a confusing, pre-dating phase has emerged among 18 to 29-year-olds called “just talking.” It’s not quite dating, not quite friends-with-benefits, and not quite nothing. It’s Snapchat streaks. It’s flirty DMs. It’s deep talks at 1 a.m. without any clarity on what this even is.
“We’re not dating. We’re not seeing each other. We’re just talking.” According to Dr. D. Scott Sibley, a professor at Northern Illinois University who has studied this trend for over a decade, that phrase has become a defining feature of emerging adulthood. “Instead of asking and being asked out on dates, most emerging adults seem to be focused on communicating through text messages, Snapchat, and other forms of social media,” he explains.
People Are ‘Talking’ Instead of Dating Now
While “just talking” might seem like a harmless way to get to know someone, the lack of definition can lead to serious emotional confusion—especially when expectations between partners don’t line up. In one survey of 655 emerging adults, Sibley’s research found that only 7.6% actually preferred just talking over traditional dating. Yet many felt pushed into it because of the way dating now functions. One participant described the emotional toll: “It is exhausting… From my experience, you always end up with a broken heart.”
This ambiguity seems to benefit some more than others. “Girls…are committed and want it to be something more,” one woman shared. “But I think guys are kind of playing the field a lot of the time.” Since commitment isn’t officially on the table, it becomes easy for people to keep their options open, often at the expense of someone else’s feelings.
Interestingly, “just talking” isn’t the same as hooking up or being in a situationship. In Sibley’s study, over 60% said it was a step toward a real relationship, while only 21.5% associated it with casual sex. So, while the intent may often be genuine, the path to actual commitment remains unclear.
With smartphones making constant contact effortless and rejection easier to dodge behind a screen, “just talking” seems like it’s here to stay. But as Sibley advises: “Decide, don’t slide.” Because waiting for a relationship to define itself might just mean it never does.
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