Are you over-sharing or over-relying on your partner for emotional regulation, or are you just being vulnerable with them? There’s a difference.
A new dating trend/term called “swamping” outlines the importance of radical vulnerability in relationships while noting the dangers of emotionally overwhelming your partner. Here’s what you should know about “swamping” in dating.
What Is Swamping?
According to Lauren Dummit-Schock, Marriage & Family Therapist, LMFT, CSAT-S, CST, KAP, and owner of Embodied Wellness and Recovery, P.C., “Swamping in dating has two opposing meanings—emotional overwhelm or radical vulnerability.”
“Depending on who you ask—or where you read it—swamping might refer to being emotionally flooded and overwhelmed by someone early in a relationship, or conversely, feeling safe enough to show up in your full, messy authenticity,” she wrote.
Needless to say, one form of swamping is healthy while the other…not so much. But it’s easy to slip from one to the other.
Examples of swamping in both contexts
Swamping as emotional overwhelm is completely different from swamping as radical vulnerability. Let’s dive into an example of each.
First, we’ll start with emotional overwhelm. Say you just started dating someone and they’re already telling you their life story and childhood trauma on a first date. That’s an unhealthy form of swamping. You shouldn’t have to carry or even process the emotional weight someone is bringing to the table that early on in dating.
While we all have our baggage, laying it out in front of someone within the first few weeks of getting to know each other can be overwhelming for the other person.
Now, let’s consider radical vulnerability. A more positive example of swamping is feeling comfortable enough to be completely vulnerable with your partner. If you’re months into the relationship and feel like you can be your messy self already, that’s a good sign.
For example, say you suffer from depression and have a terrible mental health day. You don’t feel the need to put on a happy face for your partner. You can just be, even if that means you’re not your usual upbeat or chatty self. Perhaps your partner notices you’re struggling and even offers to clean your home or help take some tasks off your plate.
This is a healthier form of swamping, where both parties feel mutually supported and vulnerable without being too overwhelmed.
Dealing with emotional overwhelm swamping
If the person you’re dating is dumping an overwhelming amount of emotions onto you, it’s time to set some boundaries. Self-regulation is crucial in dating, yet many people expect their partners to do that for them. While your relationship doesn’t have to be doomed because of someone’s tendency to “swamp,” there must be some open communication and appropriate boundaries to avoid codependent dynamics.
When you notice yourself starting to feel overwhelmed by the other person, take a step back for yourself. Decide how much you can realistically take on, and communicate that to your partner. Be honest about your feelings, as their feelings aren’t the only ones that matter in the situation. If the person continues to dump their traumas and emotions onto you without any consideration of your own mental health state, it’s time for a more serious conversation.
Cultivating radical vulnerability swamping
Feeling like you can be fully yourself with your partner—quirks, insecurities, struggles, and all—is important, but remember this isn’t the same as flooding them with your feelings.
And while your vulnerability might be overwhelming from time to time (and vice versa in any relationship), striking a healthy balance and setting/respecting appropriate boundaries will ensure both partners can be themselves without over-depending on each other.
And remember: it’s normal to go through periods where your energies are mismatched. That doesn’t mean one person is too “needy” or the other is too “cold.” It means you’re both human.
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