Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Once upon a time in Mar-a-Lago, Elon Musk and Donald Trump were political soulmates — a bromance forged in tweets, Tesla stocks, and errant Truths. But alas, the relationship has frayed. And to Europeans, the slap-fight plays like a particularly chaotic Eurovision act: loud, overproduced, and somehow involving a rocket.
Last week, the U.S. president and his billionaire ex-first buddy have been backpedaling on their relationship with the elegance of a self-driving Cybertruck in a school zone.
It all started with an awkward Oval Office sendoff for a randomly black-eyed Elon. Trump presented Musk with a toy golden key, which was a special honor that he gives to (some) very special people; Musk deserved it since he “gave such an incredible service, nobody liked him!”
Things escalated from there, with the two billionaires throwing tantrums on the social media platforms that they each own — as real grown-ups do.
Once freed of his DOGE duties, Elon decided to let the world know how he really felt about his bro, calling Trump’s big, beautiful bill a “disgusting abomination.” The Donald responded in kind, going in a heartbeat from “incredible service” to “he went CRAZY!” Musk dropped the real bombshell, though, when he posted on X: “Trump is in the Epstein files.” You can always count on privileged, rich white men to keep it classy.
Finally, surrealism reached new heights when the voice of reason turned out to be none other than Kanye “I just told you who I thought I was, a god” West, who tried to patch things up between the two former friends by posting on X: “Brooos please nooo” with a hug emoji. Surprisingly, that did not work.
Across the pond, European diplomats sip espresso and watch in fascinated disbelief as the world’s richest troll trades blows with America’s oft-impeached president. Brussels bureaucrats who’ve spent years methodically drafting complicated, technical legislation now huddle around phones like it’s a football World Cup penalty shoot-out.
The consensus? It’s entertaining, it’s terrifying, it’s peak America — part gladiator match, part group therapy session for men who think X is foreign policy.
And what if, after all this, Donny and Elon reunite?
Expect a press release written in all caps, peppered with emojis, hosted on X, livestreamed via Neuralink, and featuring a limited-edition flamethrower giveaway.
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“You don’t know this, but I want to lose my election.”by Roman Boyer
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