We’ve reached the end of another week. But before we clock out for the weekend, we’re giving credit where it’s due. Dakota Johnson is the latest champion in our Winner of the Week series.
Dakota Johnson, never change. As a third generation nepo baby, it’s not that she takes her career for granted, exactly, but she simply cannot be media trained, it’s just never going to happen, which has resulted in each and every one of her press tours delivering moments ranging from delightful to truly unhinged.
This is the woman who gave us “I’m actually allergic to limes” and “that’s not the truth, Ellen” and “swole patrol,” and she’s never better than when she visits The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, where she once deadpanned, “aren’t you supposed to let people talk on this show?” Now making the rounds for her upcoming romantic comedy Materialists, Johnson returned to The Tonight Show, this time making fun of herself and her decision to wear a low-cut dress.
“This was the wrong outfit,” she said almost as soon as she sat down,” refusing to let a clearly-flustered Fallon change the subject. No, Johnson wanted to talk about the, um, elephants (?) in the room, eventually making Fallon give her a tissue to stuff down the front of her outfit. FWIW, she seemed more concerned with offending Fallon’s audience than exposing herself, as she once laughed off a wardrobe malfunction by observing (correctly) that, after the Fifty Shades movies, her boobs aren’t exactly a secret.
It’s been a bit of a boob-y week in Hollywood. Carrie Coon called her pregnancy-inflated mammaries during the first season of The Gilded Age “offensive” and said she could “rest [her] head” against her pillowy bosoms, while on TikTok, Kylie Jenner shared the exact specifications of her boob job. Let Johnson’s almost-nip-slip stand as a reminder that with great boobs comes great responsibility.
But more importantly, let this moment remind everyone that Dakota Johnson is funny. And not just in a meme way. Early work and Fifty Shades aside, Johnson has proven herself a critical and arthouse darling (Suspiria, The Lost Daughter), but her wide release pics, the kind that are supposed to make you a bankable star, have, for lack of a better word, flopped like a tit (Persuasion, Madame Web).
Now, Materialists is poised to be a major crowd-pleaser, and she already proved her charms in the secretly very fun How To Be Single. It’s kind of insane, when you think about it, that it’s taken this long for her to go back to comedy, since the thing people like most about her is her tits wits, but I digress.
There’s something so chivalrous about this moment, the gentleman offering the lady a kerchief that she might maintain her modesty, a modern bit of courting. Almost as if she’d scripted it this way. Wait, maybe she’s media trained after all. Maybe she’s playing five dimensional media chess.
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