I am the mother of two delightful teenage boys in the throes of navigating all the challenges that youth brings. Over the past few years, it has become evident to me that my younger son is most likely gay. I believe I am the only person in the family to have noticed his interest in rainbow flags or his outrage at injustices to the L.G.B.T.Q.+ community, among other, subtler, indications.
I’ve always thought it quite unfair that only those who fall under the L.G.B.T.Q.+ umbrella have the onerous burden of “coming out.” Last summer my son weathered the heartbreak of a dear friend, likely a crush, moving away. For Valentine’s Day, a female classmate asked my son out, and he turned her down. His life is getting increasingly complicated. I don’t want to push him to come out before he’s ready, but I’d love to be able to have honest conversations about some of what he’s going through. My question is: Should I wait and let him come out when he’s ready, or is there a way I can save him the trouble? What is the most thoughtful way to approach this? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I get why you want to spare him the awkward dance of coming out, but for many young people, it’s a way to claim an identity on their terms. (For many parents, in turn, it involves pretending that the declaration comes as news.) Pressing fast-forward could leave him with the sense that he has lost a measure of agency — that a big moment has been pre-empted. It could also make him feel exposed or rushed. There are all sorts of ways that you can indicate your loving acceptance and reassure him that you’ll be a soft place to land. Indeed, I’m sure you’ve already done so. When he’s ready, you’ll be there — arms open, heart steady, no script needed.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader wondering whether to disclose the toxic products used on the shared lawn when selling a condo. The reader wrote: “I am hoping to sell my condo. I live in a homeowner’s association that still uses many toxic landscaping products. … Several residents have worked over the past two years, without success, to change the association’s landscaping practices. What is my obligation to disclose these harmful products to prospective buyers, especially those with young children and pets?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Your concern for how such substances could affect others and the environment is admirable. Still, unless your condo association has made a public commitment to chemical-free landscaping, buyers will assume the use of conventional lawn-care methods, the sort of thing you’d find in any big-box-store garden aisle. If the association is violating regulations — say, by failing to post required signage — you can push for compliance or notify the relevant authorities. But the association’s practices aren’t hidden. And when it comes to selling your unit, your responsibility doesn’t extend to reshaping a buyer’s worldview.
“Critics of these chemicals are easy to find — and their objections are readily available to anyone skeptical of regulatory assurances. But the use of such sprays is the default setting. We’ve collectively settled on certain norms: what’s permitted, what’s typical. Those who dissent should make their case for reform, but disclosure is usually reserved for departures from what is recognized and approved — from what a reasonable person would anticipate. You’re free to voice your concerns. You’re not required to.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
⬥
To me, it’s clear that there is no ethical obligation to disclose what is being used on the condo development’s property. This information is presumably readily available for anyone who is concerned. — Audrey
⬥
Why would you not tell the prospective buyer about toxic chemicals being put on the lawn? The only reason is that it would keep them from purchasing. Not informing them is very close to lying to them. There is a difference between the letter of the law and what is ethical. — Richard
⬥
If prospective owners are concerned, they’ll ask about garden treatments. Why would you disclose it otherwise? What the property is doing isn’t illegal. — Sheldaine
⬥
I agree that you don’t have to be upfront about disclosing the products used in landscaping. But if the prospective buyers ask, that’s different. You can’t lie about it, but you could direct them to the H.O.A. for details. — Turtle
⬥
If the subject of lawn chemicals has been discussed in your condo meetings, it will appear in the meeting minutes. The buyer’s agent should request the minutes, and a smart buyer should read them. — Carol
⬥
The seller is not obligated to inform buyers that the H.O.A. uses legal pesticides. Since the objection by some should be in minutes from the H.O.A. meetings, buyers should actually read those minutes before they sign off on a purchase. — Kellye
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
The post I Think My Son Is Gay. Should I Talk to Him About Coming Out? appeared first on New York Times.
