I’ll never forget my first date after a long-term relationship. The COVID-19 shutdowns were just lifting, I was new to dating apps, and I decided it was time to finally put myself back out there. Little did I know the chaos that was about to ensue, but that’s another story for another day.
Anyway.
The morning of my first date, my best friend and I tore through my closet in search of the perfect outfit: you know, one that struck the ideal blend of cute yet casual. I couldn’t eat the entire day, and I probably hit my daily step goal by pacing my apartment for hours beforehand. And when it finally came time to meet this random dating app dude, I fought the extreme urge to cancel—which felt more like the urge to vomit everywhere.
Of course, this was pre-beta blockers.
I always laugh to myself when people tell me they get “so anxious” for first dates, yet somehow appear cool, calm, collected, and even a bit excited. Surely, they must not know what pre-date anxiety really is. Mine? It was on another level.
To many people, first-date anxiety is just a bit of nerves. To me, it’s a fear so strong that I can’t focus on anything the entire day (sometimes week) before, causing me to physically shake and feel eerily close to blacking out.
And over the years, it never really got better for me. The whole “practice-makes-perfect” concept apparently doesn’t apply to me, nor does the idea of exposure therapy. I went on countless first dates in my 20s, some with men I already knew and some with dating app matches, and none of them started with a steady heart rate and grounded energy.
In fact, I was notoriously known as clumsy, jittery, and a bit awkward.
But hey, that can be endearing…right?
That being said, as someone who suffers from severe anxiety and OCD, I’ve found some ways to navigate this first-date terror with a little more composure and grace. At the very least, these tips have prevented me from fainting on the sidewalk or vomiting on my date’s shoes.
1. Pick a location that’s familiar and convenient.
I don’t know about you, but I’m the type of person who Googles the parking situation anytime I go someplace new. Don’t add any extra stress on your plate. If your date asks for your input on a first-date spot, offer a restaurant, coffee shop, or other location you’re comfortable commuting to or navigating.
2. Don’t confuse preparing with ruminating.
While it certainly helps to prepare for your first date, don’t ruminate so much that it’s all you’re thinking about. For example, you might consider planning your outfit ahead of time, sharing your location with your loved ones for safety purposes, and going over some conversation-starters. However, if you find yourself obsessing over what might go wrong and trying to ease that anxiety with compulsive planning, you’re likely taking it too far. Cover the basics, but try to stay grounded and distracted in the process.
3. Set boundaries for yourself—and don’t be afraid to communicate them.
I’m someone who needs to feel comfortable before doing anything physical on a first date, especially if I’m meeting someone from a dating app. To me, this person is still a complete stranger. However, many people expect a kiss at the end of a good first date. This disconnect always freaked me out.
Before every first date, I have either gently mentioned this boundary to my date or rehearsed how I would shut it down if someone did try getting physical too soon. Going into the date with that clarity and knowing exactly what I am/am not comfortable with has helped ease my nerves.
4. Own your nervousness.
As I said earlier, your first-date nerves can be endearing. I once had a guy tell me that my nervous energy was cute, as it meant that I cared and made him feel less anxious, too.
For so long, I felt like having anxiety took my power away. However, owning my nervousness has actually helped me be more grounded and confident in who I am. Don’t feel like you need to be cool and secure off the bat. You’re a human being with emotions. Nerves are normal.
5. Don’t take it too seriously.
First dates can be exciting beginnings or…complete disasters. Either way, you have a great story to tell your friends at the end of the night. Don’t be afraid to let loose, laugh at yourself, and not take the situation so seriously.
The post 5 Tips for Handling First-Date Anxiety appeared first on VICE.
