I grew up secretly wishing I had Lorelai Gilmore for a mother—but that was before I knew about the parentified daughter cycle. What fun, I thought, to have a young, fun mother; a mother who wore rhinestones and Daisy Dukes; a mother who wanted to lounge around eating pizza and junk food; a mother who I could call my best friend.
However, rewatching Gilmore Girls as an adult, I can’t help but recoil in horror at Lorelai’s parenting. While it may sound nice to have a best friend for a mother, in reality, it’s not exactly a healthy dynamic. Because she sees Rory as her BFF, the emotionally stunted Lorelai continually turns to her daughter with dating horror stories, money woes, and work problems. In turn, Rory finds herself frequently stepping into the maternal role for her own mother. She tells her when it’s time to get up. She encourages her to be more responsible. She even disciplines her when she behaves poorly. It is, to say the least, an odd dynamic.
But it’s also a dynamic that happens more frequently than we may think. Rory is what is known as a “parentified daughter,” or “a child that experiences a role reversal with their parents,” as Ariel Eversoll, one half of the mother-daughter coaching team Mother to Daughter Healing, puts it.
“The daughter is given the responsibility of taking on the parent role and becomes the protector, emotional caretaker, therapist, mediator, housekeeper or even a financial provider,” Eversoll goes on. “A parentified daughter is also often seen or treated as her parents’ friend.”
Although many teens may like the sound of having a “cool mom” who is also a friend, the dynamic can prove to be a harmful one. We spoke to Eversoll about the dangers of slipping into a parentified daughter role, the signs this dynamic has formed, and the best strategies to form a healthier dynamic with your parents.
Why does the parentified daughter dynamic emerge?
In most cases, the dynamic emerges as a result of the parents. “It is typically imposed on her by circumstance, family dynamics, or dysfunction,” says Eversoll.
She explains that it typically begins in subtle ways and then becomes more extreme as time goes on.
She also notes that parentified daughters are often the eldest daughter who “steps in to fill the void left by an absent or overwhelmed parent.”
The dynamic typically emerges because the child is not being nurtured, but is instead expected to take on that role herself.
“She may find herself managing household responsibilities, caring for younger siblings, or emotionally supporting a parent who is struggling,” she explains. “This dynamic can also emerge out of necessity because if she doesn’t step up, she or her family may face severe consequences that can be life-altering or threatening.”
Here are some of the common causes:
- Emotionally immature parents
- Emotionally wounded, traumatized or narcissistic parents
- Mental illness
- Physical illness/disability
- Single-parent household
- Substance abuse/addiction
- Financial hardship
- Religious or cultural expectations
Why is the parentified daughter dynamic harmful?
There are a number of reasons why the parentified daughter role can be harmful for a child well into their adult lives.
As Eversoll explains, these are just some of the ways in which being a parentified daughter can manifest:
Developmental impacts: It can negatively impact mental, emotional, and physical well-being as daughters are not prepared to handle these heavy responsibilities (not developmentally age appropriate). It also stifles her individuation, which is an important part of development.
Perfectionism: Constantly trying to live up to high expectations of her parents sets her up for chronic burnout and never feeling like what she does is good enough.
People-pleasing: Put others’ needs and desires ahead of her own for safety, acceptance, love, and validation. She doesn’t learn to live for herself, seeks approval from everyone and everything outside of herself, and does not live authentically.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms: May turn to codependency, binge/disordered eating, substance abuse, sexual addiction, etc., as a way to find some sort of control and/or numb out what she’s feeling.
Self-abandonment: A lot of pressure is placed on the child to take care of the parents and/or the sibling’s emotional needs and be the therapist. She becomes the emotional caretaker. She subconsciously learns that her role in life is to only be there to support others and not herself. She learns to not ask for help and feels guilt or shame when she has a need (even basic).
Low self-worth, self-esteem, self-trust, and confidence: When we are held responsible for taking care of others needs first and made to feel guilt or shame for having our own, it creates a deep sense of unworthiness in us. Parentified daughters also often feel like something is inherently wrong with them. They don’t know themselves because they are attuned to others so they never learn to understand or trust themselves or have the opportunity to build confidence. They are performative and wear masks depending on what’s needed at the moment.
No boundaries: Parentified daughters never learn boundaries or how to stick up for themselves. So as an adult, they allow people to walk all over them.
Emotional and nervous system dysregulation: Daughters are unable to regulate and cope with their emotions because they are so focused on everyone else’s in the household. Also, they have dysregulated nervous systems (always stuck in fight and flight) because they are hypervigilant and attuned to everyone around them to keep safe. This causes things like chronic migraines, anxiety, stress, panic disorders, and autoimmune diseases.
Poor relationship with parents: Deep-seeded anger and resentment toward her parents. Daughter’s own needs were never considered, she lost her childhood, and is expected to continue putting her own needs last even into adulthood. This can start to cause separation from her parents or even estrangement.
Poor relationship with siblings: Create a divide and resentment between siblings. The daughter may be angry or resentful that she lost her innocence and childhood to care for her siblings and wasn’t shown any gratitude for doing so. She may continue to try and parent her adult siblings which may push them away.
Unhealthy relationships: Parentified daughters often have insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) and don’t feel safe in relation with others. They are also highly co-dependent in their relationships and continue their caretaking tendencies—they always feel responsible for other’s happiness and emotional well-being.
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By Danielle SinayThe long-term impacts of being a parentified daughter
Being a parentified daughter can have an impact long into adulthood—especially when the daughter becomes a parent herself. “When a daughter is parentified, she often will repeat the cycle with her own children if she does not seek help to break the harmful patterns,” Eversoll suggests. “And even though she has suffered from being a parentified daughter, she is inclined to pass on the parentification baton to her children because that is all she knows—it’s how she was able to stay safe and get her basic human needs met.”
The fact that the parentified daughter never learned about meeting her own needs before other people’s needs can also rear its head.
“Additionally, she never learned how to meet her own needs so she will be reliant on her children to meet her needs,” she says. “This pattern of parentification gets passed down generation to generation and is one of the causes of mother and father wounds.”
Then there’s the fact that for women, the parentified daughter cycle can be even more prevalent.
“In a patriarchal society, daughters and women are seen as the caretakers,” Eversoll says. “From a young age, they learn that to be a woman and a mother is to sacrifice yourself entirely. Your value is based on how much you can sacrifice and how much you do for others. We wear this like a badge of honor.”
She adds, “This is such a harmful societal narrative that needs to end. This is why the awareness around this topic is so important—the more awareness that can be spread, the more of a chance that a parentified daughter can finally uncover what is at the root of her suffering.”
How to break out of the cycle?
If you think you are in a cycle of parentification, her are some of the steps that Eversoll recommends taking:
- Take radical responsibility: Others may be responsible for our wounds, but only we can do the work to heal. When we take radical responsibility for our lives, that’s when everything changes. Find a community, group, therapist, or coach to help support you along your journey. We are wounded in relation and we have to heal in relation.
- Reflection and awareness: You can’t change anything that you’re not first aware of. Ask yourself, how does this affect me mentally, emotionally, and physically in my everyday life? How does it affect those around me? What is my role in my own suffering? What am I continuing to do that is no longer serving me? What do I need, want, and desire?
- Grieve your childhood: Acknowledging your lost childhood and the pain you experienced and are currently experiencing. Allowing yourself to feel the emotions of disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness and fear without judging yourself. When we allow ourselves to come back into our bodies and sit with the emotions and bodily sensations, we can start healing.
- Fill your own cup: Learn to give yourself what you didn’t get in childhood and stop looking externally for the love and validation you need. Everything we need we have inside of us, we just have to be courageous enough to allow it.
- Set boundaries: Self reflect and find out what’s important to you, what are your values, needs, and non-negotiables. Start setting boundaries to protect these things and your energy.
- Take back your power: Stop giving your power away to people, things or circumstances outside of yourself. We spend so much time and energy trying to control things that we aren’t in control of – focus on the things you do have control of. Life happens, but we get to decide how we react or respond to any situation or circumstance. We can’t heal when we are in a victim mentality.
A version of this story was previously published in Glamour UK.
The post What Is a ‘Parentified Daughter’ and How Can You Tell If You Are One? appeared first on Glamour.
