The Enhanced Games are coming.
In 2026, a roided-up facsimile of a sports event will bring frighteningly jacked frames and bouts of uncontrollable rage to Las Vegas so dozens of artificially muscle-bound folks can compete to see whose synthetic muscles reign supreme.
Scheduled for Memorial Day weekend 2026, the inaugural spectacle promises track, swimming, and weightlifting events. A handful of ex-Olympians have expressed interest, and that’s kind of it so far.
But we’re still a year away. I’m sure word will spread throughout the Gold’s Gym of America soon enough.
What Are the Enhanced Games?
The Enhanced Games pitch themselves as a safer, more honest alternative to the traditional Olympics. Its promoters argue that athletes are already doping in secret, so why not come out of the closet with it?
Organizers are promising “the safest sporting event in history,” featuring pre-competition full-body diagnostics. Athletes won’t just be risking their cardiovascular systems for pride. Unlike the Olympics, where athletes walk away with a sense of accomplishment against the world’s stiffest competition rather than financial compensation, Enhanced offers real money.
All competitors get paid, and the first to set chemically-boosted world records in the 100m sprint and 50m freestyle will walk away with a million bucks each.
If the Olympics are about putting our differences aside and coming together to compete on the battleground of sport, the Enhanced Games are capitalism run amok. They’re where athletes use every competitive edge possible to undercut competition in the hope that they’re the one who walks away with a bundle of cash.
Speaking of capitalism, the Enhanced Games is a pet project of some of MAGA-world’s most recognizable financiers. Backers include Donald Trump Jr.’s 1789 Capital, Peter Thiel, and a collection of futurist billionaires who seem hell-bent on ushering in the cyberpunk dystopia.
Because they are all, inherently, cheaters who cannot imagine a world in which people don’t cheat all the time like they do. Hence, the whole “everybody’s doing it, let’s just be honest about it” ethos that is at the core of all this.
No, not everyone is doing it. Just everyone in your orbit, because you surround yourself with dickheads. Just because the International Olympic Committee likes to put on a utopian air to mask its corruption doesn’t mean the answer to it is to remove the air and bring the corruption to the forefront.
The answer is to remove the corruption while maintaining a utopian outlook because doing so gets you closer to making the utopian ideal real.
Why Is This Happening?
Founder Aron D’Souza frames the Olympics as dusty and outdated, a relic of “European aristocrats.” Enhanced, he claims, is “the Third Olympiad,” built for a future where innovation trumps integrity and muscles are just another metric to optimize.
These are the kind of people who think that if you’re not cheating, you’re not even trying. Scumbags, essentially. And we’ve given them the keys to the kingdom for some fucking reason.
Whether this is the future of sport or just another dipshit MAGA-world idea that will very publicly shit itself well its financial backers claim shitting yourself is cool now remains to be seen though the latter is probably exactly what will happen.
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