Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
What an exciting weekend it’s been for Europe.
Not only did the continent barely survive yet another glittery diplomatic summit complete with questionable voting patterns and Israel-related drama — aka the Eurovision song contest – but it also hosted another major event: Its very own political triathlon, with elections taking place in Romania, Poland and Portugal.
Because if there’s one thing that unites all Europeans, it’s making not-so-subtle political statements with fog machines and off-key falsettos, and then voting on the potential downfall of democratic values in three of the 27 EU member states.
That, and serving kant, of course.
So, how did it go? Is humanity over yet? Are we in the good place or the bad place? (Definitely the bad place.)
Maybe that’s too dramatic. After all, no good doomsday story ever started with a mathematician as the bad guy. He doesn’t sound like the ideal lead character who will save humanity, to be honest, but beggars can’t be choosers.
In Romania, the centrist Mayor of Bucharest Nicușor Dan won a stunning victory over the hard-right candidate and Trumpian darling, George Simion. Dan is known for fighting corruption and being the type of person who thinks before he speaks, which feels slightly out of character for a politician. He’s a mathematician by training, making him the first nerd to ever win a popularity contest.
His victory also made one of the Tate brothers sad, according to social media. Who knew that the manosphere alpha male influencer had such emotional depth?
Unfortunately, things are not as clear-cut for the rest of the three-headed electoral hydra: Poland and Portugal seem to be left in voting limbo.
The Poles will need to hit the polls again (eds: Is this a pun? Yes, we wrote it in even if it’s ap-pole-ingly unfunny) to choose between another centrist mayor, Rafał Trzaskowski, and populist right-wing historian-turned-politician, Karol Nawrocki. Nerds are not only popular among moderates, it seems.
Portugal, in true southern European style, elected a fractured parliament with no clear majority to run the country. Maybe time for a fourth vote in four years?
Whether we will get more votes — or more glitter — remains to be seen. But one thing we know for sure: The winner always takes it all.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“I promise you, Your Holiness, I won’t do to you what I did to your predecessor.”
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our mailbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“Do you think VdL’s WhatsApp messages to God are subject to transparency measures too?”by Andrew Ephraim Hillman
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