Our teenage son is gay. He is a junior in high school and has a boyfriend his age. My husband and I allow them to be alone together in my son’s bedroom with the door closed. If he were in a heterosexual relationship, we would say, “No way!” But since pregnancy isn’t a concern, I’m fine with it: It seems like a safe space for them to explore their sexuality. My husband thinks I’m a hypocrite because I wouldn’t allow this if our son were straight. He also finds it “disrespectful” for the boys to have sex under our noses — though we have never heard a sound come from his room. Thoughts?
MOM
I get that it may be disconcerting to think of your baby becoming sexually active, but he is a young man now. And your conversations with your husband seem way off-base. I would drop the question of hypocrisy: Making hypothetical rules for a hypothetical straight son does not seem productive. And it’s unfair for your husband to label your son “disrespectful” for behavior that he has chosen to allow. Does he want to change the bedroom-door rule or not?
In my view, there are more important issues for you to discuss with your husband — and for both of you to discuss with your son: his emotional readiness for physical intimacy, for instance, and the prevention of sexually transmitted infections. (Pregnancy is not the only issue!) And your comment about his quiet bedroom makes me wonder if you even know whether your son is having sex. If not, it’s time to start talking to him.
Now, I know these conversations can be hideously awkward. But the thing to remember is that they don’t have to be perfect. You need only convey your openness to hearing anything your son has to say and to ask him, in general terms, about his experiences, his safety protocols and his emotional comfort. Stop fussing over make-believe children and start parenting the one you have — and love.
Stars, Bars and Buyer’s Remorse
My wife and I live in the South. She bought a painting by a famous regional artist who is now dead. She got a great deal on it, probably because it includes a representation of the Confederate flag tucked into the background of a chaotic scene at a football stadium. My wife didn’t notice the flag when she bought the piece. I would love to display this artist’s work, but the Confederate flag has no place in my home. What should I do?
ART LOVER
The Confederate flag is undoubtedly a controversial symbol, but that seems irrelevant here if you have already decided not to hang the painting in your home. (Presumably, your wife agrees with this decision.) I suggest that you and she return the work to the gallery or other venue where she bought it and ask for a credit that can be used on another piece of art, one you will feel more comfortable hanging in your home. If that’s not possible, try consigning the work to a gallery that represents the famous artist. But no use wringing your hands over a hasty purchase.
A Will Set to Be Executed in Cold Blood
My brother stopped speaking to our elderly mother two years ago. She is devastated by this, but I told her it was only temporary. She was hospitalized for a period recently, and I asked my brother whether he wanted updates on her health. His response: “Absolutely not. I’m done with her medical nonsense. Text me when she’s dead.” The issue: He holds her medical power of attorney and is the executor of her will. I think I need to persuade my mother to change her medical proxy, at minimum, but I can’t tell her about his text — it would kill her. Advice?
SISTER
I am sorry for the double whammy here: your worry over your mother’s health along with the stress of a seemingly cruel brother. But unless your mother has experienced cognitive decline — in which case you may not be able to change these legal documents — she has probably noticed that your brother has not spoken to her in years, despite your assurance that the problem would be temporary.
Tell her the truth: Your brother isn’t around, and you want to ensure that her medical wishes are followed. Suggest that she make you her medical proxy and ask how she feels about her will. That seems sufficient to me.
It’s What’s in His Head, Not on It, That Counts
I have a terrific friend who is charming, intelligent and kind. But either he goes to the worst barber in town, or he wears a bad toupee. (His hair sticks out in the back, and sometimes you can see his scalp.) He has never mentioned wearing a hairpiece, and he takes pride in his appearance. Should I say something to him?
FRIEND
Some people think you need only “mean well” to speak up in cases like these. I disagree! Your friend has not opened the door for a discussion about his hair: He has not asked for your opinion or mentioned self-consciousness about hair loss. (You don’t even know with certainty that he wears a toupee!) Why not value him for his excellent qualities and leave his tresses be?
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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