A company can offer all the free snacks and on-site massages in the world—but if the people don’t make you feel supported, you’re probably still not happy at your job. To an increasing extent, “the corporate world is understanding that relationships and the culture of relationships at work is the new competitive edge,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who hosts the popular couples’ therapy podcast Where Should We Begin?
In May, Perel shifted her focus from improving relationships at home to bettering those at work. She released a 100-question card game with prompts designed to get people to open up and share stories, in hopes of improving team dynamics and fixing a workplace’s culture. Each prompt targets one of her four pillars of healthy workplace relationships—trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience—and it’s designed to be played at an off-site meeting, while onboarding a new employee, during a one-on-one check-in, or at an after-work happy hour. “This goes way beyond your typical icebreaker,” Perel says: Telling personal stories at work can make people feel less siloed and improve collaboration. At the average all-hands meeting, for example, “You see where the eyes go, you see who’s listening, you see the blank stares, you see people on their phone,” she says. “Once a person starts to tell a story, everybody’s eyes lift. Now you come to life, you’re interested, and you elicit curiosity.”
We asked Perel how to level up your workplace relationships—and she suggested starting with these seven questions.
“What brings out the best in you?”
Asking a colleague to share exactly what helps them excel is a “beautiful” way to grow your connection. “It demands some form of self-knowledge and self-awareness,” Perel says. To answer candidly, your colleague will need to understand what encourages, motivates, and pushes them. When you have that information, you no longer have to guess what they prefer; for example, you might learn that when they’re receiving feedback, they want you to get right into it rather than mincing your words. If a colleague asked Perel this question, her response would “tell you what I know about myself, what you should know about me, and how we can work better together,” she says. “It’s a question that builds trust and tells you what recognition is for me.”
“What skill do you wish you got to use more?”
This is a way to zero in on the discrepancy between what a company needs from someone and what that person would like to contribute. “It’s the hidden talent I have that you don’t know I have,” Perel says. And who knows? It might fill an important gap. Talking about skills is a boon for the company and for the person who gets to stretch a different muscle and utilize their full skillset, she says.
“When is it difficult for you to ask for help?”
For some people, asking for help is “inconceivable,” Perel says—they’re simply too independent. “It means defeat; it means they have to depend on other people and trust other people.” By digging into how a colleague feels about reaching out for a hand, you might learn it makes them nervous that they’ll be seen as incompetent, that someone else will end up taking all the credit for their work, or that they’ll be rejected by the person they turn to. The question shines light on how someone thinks about “dependency, generosity, cooperation, collaboration, competition, and shame,” she says.
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Plus, Perel notes, it takes the temperature of company culture: Do employees feel like they have to pretend to know something they don’t? Or is turning a task into a team effort encouraged? The answer might inspire introspection among company leaders.
“What does your inner critic love to say?”
Initiating a conversation about the harsh words your colleague has on repeat—the ones that deflate and devalue them—requires vulnerability. If they feel comfortable opening up, it’s a clear sign you’ve created a sense of psychological safety; they have faith that you’re not going to weaponize the information against them in the future. “The more I expose myself, which is a risk I’m taking, the more I trust [my colleagues],” Perel says. Plus, imagine how enlightening it would be to hear, for example, your manager or another executive describe the way their inner critic taunts them. In addition to humanizing them, it’s an exercise in building empathy—and can improve the way you show up for and encourage one another.
“What’s an important personal object you keep near you when you’re working?”
Before remote work became so prevalent, you could walk into an office and see the pictures on someone’s desk or exactly what they were sipping on throughout the day. “Then if you ever wanted to surprise them, you could bring them a green juice or the kind of coffee they like,” Perel says. Now, however, “we’re decontextualized so often in our remote work,” she says. “The intent of this question is to ask somebody for their context: ‘What’s on your table? What does your table even look like?’ All we see is an upper body that doesn’t move.”
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Learning what a colleague holds dear enough to keep within eyesight while working can help you understand them better and take your relationship to a more meaningful level, she adds.
“When did you last feel truly acknowledged by a colleague?”
Being recognized by a colleague helps workers “feel seen,” Perel says. Acknowledging someone isn’t limited to celebrating their accomplishments, either: Maybe you noticed they couldn’t squeeze a word in during an important meeting, and afterwards, you pulled them aside and let them know you saw what happened. “That feeling of being acknowledged says, ‘I’m not alone,’” Perel says. “It gets into the issue of recognition, it gets into connection, it gets into trust. To me, it is an amazingly important question.”
“What’s a time that made you proud to work here?”
Your colleagues can probably rattle off a number of times they felt comfortable with their work situation—maybe finding their daily tasks interesting and even genuinely enjoyable. But pride takes those positive feelings to a deeper level. It demonstrates a belief that your contributions matter to and elevate the team, which is usually associated with a sense of belonging. Plus, “If you feel proud to work there, then you like the people you’re connected with,” Perel says. “If you work with people you can’t stand, you usually don’t feel proud.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email [email protected]
The post 7 Questions That Can Instantly Boost Your Work Relationships appeared first on TIME.
