When you’re dating someone new, it can be difficult to tell the kind of partner they’d be in an actual relationship. That’s why taking it slow is crucial to ensuring you don’t miss red flags, like indications that point to avoidant behavior or obsessive tendencies.
While people with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles can still have healthy relationships, it’s totally valid to want someone with a generally secure attachment style. Here are five signs of a secure attachment to look for in a partner.
1. They validate your feelings without getting defensive.
People who are securely attached typically understand and accept that they’re not perfect. That being said, when someone voices a concern or communicates an unmet need, they don’t take it as a personal attack. Rather, they view it as an opportunity to understand the other person and deepen the connection. They don’t have a “you vs. me” attitude; they have an “us vs. the problem” mentality.
This mindset is important for the other person to feel emotionally safe and for a relationship to survive. If someone can validate your feelings, it might be a sign of a secure attachment.
2. They have their own life, hobbies, and friends.
Someone with a secure attachment style typically feels as though they are whole without you—which is a good thing. They get their social and emotional needs met through a variety of sources, including friends and family, hobbies, interests, and other areas of their life. They don’t rely on their partner to fill their cup. They view their partner as an important part of their world—but not as their entire world.
While society and the media often romanticize a more codependent type of love, this form is much healthier and genuine. If someone is secure in their own life, they choose to be with you not because they need you but because they want you. To me, that’s much more romantic.
3. They communicate effectively.
People with secure attachment styles typically maintain healthy communication with their partner. Rather than being passive-aggressive or stuffing down their own emotions, they clearly articulate their thoughts to their partner.
These individuals are also usually great listeners. They don’t just “let it go in one ear and out the other.” Instead, they truly hear what you’re saying, process it, and respond accordingly. This often points to high emotional intelligence and a sense of security.
4. They are comfortable being vulnerable.
Expressing our emotions isn’t always easy, even in our closest relationships. Especially for men who have been conditioned to avoid or conceal their feelings, being vulnerable might be uncomfortable. However, someone with a secure attachment style likely has learned that vulnerability is the key to a healthy connection. If someone feels safe enough to voice their desires, needs, and emotions, they probably feel secure in themselves and their relationships. This is a positive sign that they’re in touch with their most authentic selves.
5. They uphold and respect healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. In fact, many of us have boundaries with ourselves without even realizing it. For example, I have a boundary with myself not to respond to work emails on weekends. This is because I feel secure enough in myself and my career to know that my success is not dependent on overworking myself.
In a romantic relationship, many insecurely attached people don’t set healthy boundaries. They might let their partner walk all over them, disrespect their commitments, come and go as they please, or neglect their needs. A securely-attached person, on the other hand, sets and maintains their boundaries—not as a form of control or punishment, but as a way to protect themselves and the connection. They also will respect your boundaries in return.
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