Nahyun Barbuto, a 31-year-old mother, believed her recordings of newborn son, Carson, were the beginnings of a lifetime of memories.
Now, though, these precious recordings have become her most cherished link to a life cut short, as Carson passed away at just 11 weeks old. In an Instagram reel, Barbuto shared one of the videos with a reflection on her grieving process, which has since gone viral. She spoke to Newsweek about the enduring grief of losing a child and how her loss has shaped and integrated into her life.
“It’s been one year, 10 months, and seven days since Carson has been wrapped in Jesus,” Barbuto wrote in her Instagram caption. “And not a single day has passed where I haven’t thought about my baby.”
Barbuto told Newsweek that she remembers Carson as “most definitely the calmest baby out of the three,” of her children, two daughters, now aged three and five.
“He ate so good, slept so good and was generally a happy baby. He was truly so loved by not only his mom and dad but his two sisters,” she said. “I felt like Carson was really the missing piece to our puzzle and felt that he completed our family.
“It’s not that our life was not great or unhappy before he was born, but he made time pause and really showed me how much I loved being a mom.”
The videos she now treasures were taken without the knowledge of the grief that was to come.
“I had no idea any of the videos I took would be posted…and how much they would mean to me today,” Barbuto said. “I was just thinking what every other mom would think when recording their children, just in awe of them and knowing you’ll have these videos to look back on when your children got bigger.”
But in her case, Carson didn’t live more than three months. “Those videos are the closest thing I have to feeling his presence,” she added.
An autopsy revealed that Carson had died from pneumonia.
‘I Was In Denial’
Barbuto’s journey through grief has evolved over the past few years.
In her Instagram caption, she shared that “year two” of her loss looks much different than the first.
“My grief from the first year to now has changed tremendously. I was extremely numb and lost the first year after Carson passed away, running away from my grief as much as I could,” she told Newsweek. “Facing my grief was unbearable and I was in denial of my reality.”
Now, though, she feels more at one with it all.
“I feel like I am able to walk side by side with my grief most days,” she said. “Although I still have days where the pain catches up to me and I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I have found so much comfort in God.”
This reflects what she described in her caption as “The part of grief where you have accepted. The part of grief where you trust in the Lord. The part of grief where you learn to walk with grief and not behind it.”
Keeping Carson’s memory alive is a daily practice. She said she watches her videos of Carson nearly every day.
“I still have the same background on my phone as I did since he was here and I also look at his photos all the time,” she said. But what really helps her feel close to him is wearing his ashes around her neck.
As time passes, Barbuto said less people check in on her than before. It’s quieter, and at times more isolating, but she continues to navigate her new reality with courage.
“Life is different on this side,” she concluded on Instagram. “You change as a person. You rely on God and friends who genuinely care to understand you are surviving each day the best you can.”
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