Oh, Canada!
It’s the country most Americans rarely think of except during hockey season or when pinko celebrities threaten to pull up stakes and move there after an election.
Hey — maybe someday Canadians will be going to India for a better life. To quote Ottawa’s own Alanis Morissette, ‘Isn’t it ironic?’
But lately Canada’s been big news in Yankee-land. Why? Simple: President Donald Trump’s desire to add the True North as America’s 51st state.
With former Canadian leader “Governor” Justin Trudeau out of the picture and new highly educated globalist and Goldman Sachs alum Mark Carney now installed, it’s time to take a look at what to expect if Canada joins up.
As a Canadian, I’m here to show you the icy ropes and separate myth from fact in order to make you incoming American friends feel more welcome and help you integrate to our correct and clearly superior ways.
MYTH: Canada is extremely liberal!
Canada is just super left-wing and even the Democrats in the U.S. are basically more conservative than Canada’s official conservative party. None of Canada’s parties offer any fundamental challenge to things like abortion, same-sex marriage, mass immigration, or extremist woke policies.
FACT: Canada cherishes diverse viewpoints!
Canada has the New Democratic Party (far left in all ways), the Liberals (neoliberal — far left socially), the Conservatives (center left and far left socially), the People’s Party (center right and libertarian), and many additional vibrant parties!
These include the Communist League of Gentlemen, the Rainbow Gender Coalition, the Polycule Collective Party (PCP), the Destroy the Patriarchy (with Fire!) Party, and many smaller highly democratic parties!
Yes, all of them (except for the People’s Party — which also got very few votes this latest election and was viciously defamed by our national media) are what Americans would see as “left wing,” but that’s just because left wing is obviously the only correct belief system for any reasonable person!
If you disagree, we’d love to hear about it as long as you eventually agree with us, while publicly apologizing and vowing to “do better.”
As peace-loving Canadian liberals, we are frightened and confused by how often you Americans are at each other’s throats over mere political differences. We love and respect all of our countryfolx. If you’re here, you’re family. Unless you want to limit abortion in any way, not give out crack pipes in vending machines, or restrict free gender expression.
Sorry. We don’t make the rules (our federally funded news channel CBC does).
MYTH: Canada is overwhelmed by unchecked immigration
Canada is full of people who barely speak English and has become a magnet for economic migrants from all over the world. Walking in many major cities feels like you are in India or China and almost nobody you meet was born here.
FACT: Canada is deliciously diverse, you racist scumbag!
You may have heard Canada has “too many” immigrants. Nonsense — that’s like saying poutine has “too many” cheese curds!
The fact is, as of 2021, over 23% of our population is made up of immigrants — and we’re just getting started! Go into any small town or big city, and you’ll feel a palpable sense of enrichment — and we don’t just mean all the untaxed remittances flying out of the country via the local Western Union.
It’s that magical disorientation you feel when every second person you encounter doesn’t speak English. Does a trip to Loblaws leave you wondering if you’re in Bangalore or Beijing? That’s the multiculturalism working!
Native Canadians may not be having babies (we reject human supremacy), but there are more than enough newcomers to keep the country from thinning out too much. In 2023 alone, we added 1.2 million new Canadians. That’s a 3.2% increase — a rate so high some economists fear we’ve entered a “population trap,” in which masses of newcomers jack up house prices and basic necessities to the point that’s its impossible to raise living standards.
Hey — maybe someday Canadians will be going to India for a better life. To quote Ottawa’s own Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic?”
MYTH: Canada is overly polite and, well, kinda boring!
Canadians are known for being extremely polite and saying “sorry” (so-rē) a lot. A lot of celebrities and musicians from Canada move to the U.S. because there’s not enough going on here, and red tape and regulation strangles the arts, industrial innovation, business and daily life. Eesh, grim! Thank God it’s entirely false!
FACT: Canada is a laid-back, super fun no-hoser zone!
So you think Canadians are just “Temu Americans”?
In the words of Canuck funnyman Jim Carrey, “Aaaaalrighty then!”
You see, we can’t hear your taunts over this totally epic live Nickelback show at Montreal’s beautiful Bell Centre. Pass me another Molson, eh? Afterward, we might “take off” to Tim Hortons for steaming mugs of maple-flavored coffee and stimulating conversation about parliament.
MYTH: Canada cracks down on free speech
Canada has joined Australia and the U.K. as having some of the harshest restrictions on free speech, online activity, and basic rights of assembly and conscience in the developed world.
The government actively prevented those who declined to get the COVID “vaccine” from leaving the country, while the Toronto Star — one of Canada’s largest newspapers — called them out with the headline “Let them die.”
Canada is also surging ahead with its Medical Assistance in Dying to ensure that euthanasia is offered as a “treatment” option for serious terminal illnesses as well as for chronic mental health issues — including the PTSD afflicting Canadian combat veterans.
FACT: That’s a very hurtful thing to say!
Thanks to bureaucratic reforms by former PM Trudeau, appealing your COVID VACCINE DENIER status and having your internet privileges restored is easier than ever.
The post Listen up, America: Everything you’ve been told about Canada is a lie appeared first on TheBlaze.
