If you have heard of “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love,” you may already know the story of Mandy Len Catron and Mark Janusz Bondyra’s first date.
Ms. Catron wrote about it in an essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” which was published in the Modern Love column of this newspaper in 2015. In the piece, she described how she and Mr. Bondyra, an acquaintance at the time, had replicated a scientific experiment “designed to create romantic love.” They asked each other 36 increasingly personal questions, and then stared into each other’s eyes for four minutes.
The article became one of the most-read stories on The New York Times’s website that year, and continues to be widely read. The 36 questions — from a 1997 study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) — spun into a phenomenon of their own, with countless duos trying them out. In Ms. Catron’s story, many readers found an irresistible premise: a kind of formula for falling in love.
As someone who researches and writes about romantic love and relationships, Ms. Catron was — and still is — wary of formulas and simple narratives of love. After all, there is always more to the story. (More than you could fit in, say, a newspaper column.)
Ms. Catron, now 44, and Mr. Bondyra, 49, first met in February 2011, when she was teaching a writing class at the University of British Columbia, where she is a lecturer. It was a continuing education course for community members, and Mr. Bondyra, a user experience designer and business analyst, enrolled.
“I took the class, and I was very struck by Mandy,” Mr. Bondyra said. “She’s a really good teacher and she’s very passionate about the subject.” He ended the course with a few new friends — and a bit of a crush on his teacher. Over the next few years, they occasionally ran into each other at their climbing gym, and stayed in touch on social media and through mutual friends from the class.
When Mr. Bondyra offered to go to an art exhibit with Ms. Catron in July 2014, she thought they were going as friends. Unbeknown to her, he had recently become single and embarked on his “summer of irresponsibility,” as he called it. One of his goals was to go on a date with her.
That’s how they ended up spending hours together, first at a Douglas Coupland exhibition at the Vancouver Art Gallery, and then at the Morrissey, a bar in downtown Vancouver, where they did the 36 questions. She had wanted to try the questions for a long time, but was waiting for the right person.
“One of Mark’s best qualities is that he is really up for trying anything, so he immediately was like yes, let’s do this,” Ms. Catron said. “It felt very thrilling.”
Ms. Catron realized it was a date when, in response to one of the questions, Mr. Bondyra said, “You have nice legs.” She laughed, thinking back to the moment. “I was like, ‘Well, this is a date.’”
Beyond the intimacy forged by the questions, they bonded over a love of books, writing, cycling and rock climbing. To Ms. Catron, Mr. Bondyra seemed “like the kind of person other people felt glad to know.” She knew how deeply their mutual friends admired his character, and wanted to get to know him better.
She had a sense of confidence that he found attractive. “It’s hard to describe, but she has this, like, American swagger,” Mr. Bondyra said with a smile, likening it to the way that some New Yorkers will seamlessly strike up conversations with strangers in line.
Ms. Catron grew up in Abingdon, Va. She has a bachelor’s degree in English from Roanoke College in Salem, Va., and a master’s degree in creative writing from American University in Washington, D.C.
Mr. Bondyra was born in Wroclaw, Poland and immigrated to Canada as a child. He grew up primarily in Barrie, Ontario, and has a bachelor’s degree in image arts from Toronto Metropolitan University.
After their electrifying, experimental first date, they saw each other more, but there was a period when things between them went undefined. Over the next few months, they spent more time together, and grew closer. They became exclusive at the Parade of Lost Souls, a Halloween event in Vancouver, in 2014. One night that November, while out dancing and drinking with friends, Mr. Bondyra told Ms. Catron he loved her.
When her essay was published in early 2015, it was strange to see their love story become this “immediate case study,” Ms. Catron said. Emails flooded her inbox. Millions of people read the article, and swaths of strangers were invested in whether or not they were still together. She felt protective over their new relationship and excited yet overwhelmed by the attention. She received requests to interview the two of them together, which she turned down.
The fact that she has continued to write about love and their relationship is an experience that Mr. Bondyra enjoys. “It’s an expansive way to think about our relationship,” he said. “It’s a unique experience that not many people probably have, but I think it’s great. I always like hearing what Mandy’s thinking, and it’s different in a written form.”
In 2016, they moved in together in the Riley Park neighborhood of Vancouver. Ms. Catron’s rescue dog, Roscoe, became their shared dog and the “third member” of their love story, Mr. Bondyra said.
They knew they wanted a future together, but for years, they decided not to get married. “Researching love and relationships really changed how I thought about marriage,” Ms. Catron said. “I’d really thought about marriage as, like, the ultimate expression of romantic love — and actually, that’s a pretty modern idea.”
Committing to one another without getting married was a way of “acknowledging some of the problems with the institution,” she added, “and maybe resisting a little bit.”
But then, things changed. They went through several challenging years. This included fertility treatments that didn’t work, a pandemic pregnancy that turned out to be twins, a concerning diagnosis in the pregnancy and weeks of hospitalization before Ms. Catron gave birth.
In September 2021, their twin sons were born. Throughout all of this, no one could visit her or meet the babies in the hospital because of Covid restrictions. Then, being home with two newborns in the pandemic was also difficult and isolating. “It was just a series of hard, hard things,” Ms. Catron said. “And people — our friends and family — really took care of us through that.”
As pandemic restrictions eased and people started having events and weddings again, Ms. Catron became obsessed with the idea of having a big party. She wanted to have everyone they loved in a room together, to celebrate and thank the community who had helped them through such hard times.
She raised the idea of having a commitment ceremony. Mr. Bondyra said if they were going to evoke a wedding spirit, he wanted to get married. For a while, they were at a bit of an impasse.
“We didn’t have a shared vision,” Ms. Catron said.
Then, in August 2024, they went to dinner at AnnaLena, a Michelin-starred tasting menu restaurant in Vancouver. Ms. Catron’s father had given them a gift certificate to the restaurant, and Ms. Catron made the reservation weeks in advance. As parents of toddlers, it was a rare and special outing.
As they ate a multicourse dinner of inventive dishes — think oysters presented in miniature coolers — Ms. Catron handed Mr. Bondyra a card, and a ring of wood and carbon fiber as a placeholder.
She decided to propose after hearing a song she used to listen to in her 20s. It reminded her of how much “romantic angst” she had at that age, how she just wanted to be loved and worried about how it would all turn out. She realized that if her younger self could see her life now, with Mr. Bondyra and their family, she would be amazed. “I wish I could show her, like, everything is OK,” Ms. Catron said. “In fact, it’s great.”
She was excited to propose, to make that part of the ritual her own. Reading the card, Mr. Bondyra was truly surprised — a rare occurrence, he said. He said, “Of course. Of course I’ll marry you.”
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On May 3, they were married in Pacific Spirit Regional Park in Metro Vancouver, with 11 guests. Lani Brunn, a friend of the couple and a wedding officiant registered through the Modern Ministers Association of Canada, officiated. They chose the park because it holds a special place in their family’s life. They spent many hours there walking their dog Roscoe, who died last year. When their twins were babies, they would walk them around in the forest, trying to get them to sleep.
The day was chilly, but the sun shone through the trees. The bride wore a borrowed leather jacket and rain boots as they walked through the forest, then changed into flats she had carried in the stroller. The couple walked down a makeshift aisle with their 3½-year-old sons.
Afterward, they walked back to their house for a champagne toast, followed by a reception with about 70 guests at Chambar, a Belgian-inspired restaurant in Vancouver. They plan to have a second celebration at Ms. Catron’s mother’s home on Amelia Island, Fla., on May 17.
At the reception, name cards on the tables featured a nod to the beginning of their love story: one of the 36 questions, written on the back. They had more of the questions in a bowl on the bar.
It was a fun way to get people talking — and maybe the start of a few more love stories.
On This Day
When May 3, 2025
Where Pacific Spirit Regional Park, Metro Vancouver
Forest Music During the ceremony, the couple played music on a Bluetooth speaker. They walked in to “Stand By Me” by Ben E. King, signed paperwork to “Do You Realize??” by the Flaming Lips and walked out to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys.
An Illustration of Family The couple designed a family coat of arms for the wedding, drawn by Ms. Catron and featured on the menus at the reception. It included some of their favorite things: an ice cream cone, a bicycle, some books, blueberry and huckleberry branches and their dog, Roscoe. Jen Gutierrez, a friend of the couple and their wedding planner, said the wedding was truly “a celebration of their family.”
The post She Wrote About ‘The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.’ And Now, to Marriage appeared first on New York Times.
