My husband and I have been married for 34 years. We separated six months ago and are headed for divorce. Our oldest friends, who are like family to us, are hosting a wedding for their son in September. They want our whole family to come. It will definitely be awkward, but we plan to attend. The issue: My son and I strongly prefer not to be seated with my husband. At a funeral recently, he behaved very badly toward me: He swore at me loudly in front of other mourners, tripped me and kicked me. I have not returned our R.S.V.P. card for the wedding yet. Is there a reasonable way to express our seating preference?
WIFE
This is not a question about wedding seating. It is a catalog of abuse, and I’m sorry that you’ve endured it. Obviously, it was not OK for your estranged husband to swear at you, trip you or kick you. Even if these things had never happened before in 34 years of marriage, the solution now is to keep yourself safe and away from your husband — not to request separate tables at a wedding reception.
I urge you to contact your lawyer or the local police department to consider whether an order of protection is sensible. As for your friends, if they are truly like family, they will understand that it is not possible for you to attend the wedding with your estranged husband. Do not jockey to have him uninvited. Simply decline the invitation: “I’m sorry, but we can’t come to the wedding as a family now. I look forward to toasting the newlyweds soon.”
One of the gravest miscalculations I see from estranged partners is for one of them to excuse egregious behavior by the other to placate third parties. But now that your husband has shown you what he is capable of, you should expect nothing better from him. Your priority is to keep yourself safe, not to pacify friends by attending their events as a family.
Closing the Gap Between Long-Distance Siblings
My brother and I live on opposite ends of the world and see each other rarely, usually on family vacations. Recently, he and his wife have found subtle ways to exclude me. On a beach holiday, for instance, I learned that they booked a four-wheel-drive vehicle for off-road excursions only after it was too late for me to book one. Another day, they invited me to go shopping with them in town, but they didn’t tell me they packed swimsuits until we were already there. There are never discussions about group plans; they just do what they want. Am I being too sensitive?
SISTER
I notice that neither of your examples involves your making an invitation or initiating a group plan. If you want to spend time with your brother and his wife, ask them! I understand that you feel hurt, and that you may be testing them by waiting for them to include you. That’s human nature, but it is not a winning strategy.
Say, “Let’s do something tomorrow” — and then take the lead in planning an activity you might all enjoy. One caveat: As a veteran of many family vacations, I can imagine that your brother and his wife may want some time away from the group, too. But that shouldn’t stop you from having plenty of fun together.
The Mess of Other People’s Lives (and Homes)
My son and daughter-in-law live with their two children, a cat and a dog in a house of utter chaos and messiness. When I suggest they may want to tidy up, they get defensive and angry. They say, “This is how we live.” I’m afraid to pick up a paper bag from the floor. But I want to see my grandchildren, so I’ve resigned myself to staying in a hotel. Still, even a few hours at their home causes me anxiety and depression, and sometimes I have an outburst that strains our relationship. Advice?
MOTHER
You are so close to a solution here that I want to give you a gentle nudge. You have deduced correctly that your son’s messy home is none of your business, and that suggestions by you — and possibly even gestures like hiring a housekeeper — are unwanted and may be regarded as controlling. So, if visits cause you anxiety and depression, move them off-site. Why not bring your grandchildren to your hotel — maybe one with a swimming pool? Sounds like fun!
Bringing Crunch to a Friend’s Grief
My best friend lost her father recently. I offered to bring her family a meal. She said she would appreciate it, but she asked me not to bring a casserole. They haven’t eaten anything fresh for a while. I intended to make a baked ziti that she could pop in the oven, but that doesn’t work. Any ideas for a fresh meal that won’t involve me taking over my friend’s kitchen?
FRIEND
I’m no Ina Garten, but I do have a few ideas: Cut up some fresh vegetables — carrots, celery, sweet red pepper — and make a hummus with lots of tahini. Rinse a carton of grape tomatoes and buy a round of goat cheese and a crusty baguette. Sounds like a fresh (and delicious) supper to me!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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