Whether we want to admit it or not, many of us care what our parents think of us. In fact, some people spend their entire lives striving to impress their parents or, at the very least, feel accepted by them.
This often impacts the way we date. If your parents are highly critical of you, odds are, they’ll be the same with your partner, too.
On the other hand, you might just have overbearing parents who simply want what’s best for you—and thus project that onto whoever you bring home.
Whatever the case, it’s a bad feeling when your family disapproves of your relationship—especially if you’re particularly happy and otherwise confident in it.
Here are three tips for navigating your parents’ disapproval of your partner.
Ask them why they disapprove
If you’re close with your family and they tend to uphold healthy boundaries and relationships in their lives, then you might be more willing to consider their feedback. Perhaps their disapproval is grounded in reality rather than in fear-based assumptions, outdated associations, and preconceived judgments.
For example, if your parents disapprove of your partner because of his tattoos, that’s probably something you should brush off. If they disapprove because he talks down to or belittles you, that’s something you should take more seriously. If your relationship with your family is otherwise healthy, their concerns about your relationship might indicate deeper issues you’re overlooking.
While it might be comfortable to verbatim ask your parents why they don’t like your partner for you, it can help clear up any misunderstandings. Maybe they’re seeing something you’re not—or vice versa.
Ask yourself what you value
Your values might be completely different from your parents’ values. Maybe your mom values image and financial security, while you value deep connection and emotional safety. Perhaps your dad has old-school standards for relationships, while you have more progressive ones.
For instance, your parents disapprove of your partner’s career because it doesn’t provide as much stability as they’d like for you. In which case, you need to ask yourself what you value most. If you, say, want a mansion on massive property, a big family, and a spouse who can help financially support your dreams, well, it might benefit you to take that into consideration.
If, on the other hand, you value emotional support and creative passion over financial security, you might not care so much about how much your partner makes. Instead, you’re searching for someone who will be present, loving, and a best friend through the ups and downs of life.
Do you want the relationship your parents have? Do they value different things than you do? If so, their disapproval of your partner might be a good sign…
There is no right or wrong answer. There is just your truth.
Set appropriate boundaries
Remember: you and your partner are the only two individuals in this relationship. If you’re both happy and fulfilled, that should be enough. If your parents continue to make rude comments or communicate their disapproval, decide on the boundaries that feel best for you. Maybe you don’t bring your partner around as much, or perhaps you create some distance from your parents.
Don’t be afraid to tell your parents to lay off, either. I know it can be uncomfortable to speak up for yourself, even when they’re being unreasonable. But you’re an adult, and your relationship is your own. Remind them that they should trust you and your judgment.
In turn, truly trust yourself and your own discernment. Unless grounded in valid concern, don’t let your parents’ disapproval make you second-guess your relationship.
The post What to Do If Your Parents Don’t Like Your Partner appeared first on VICE.
