Some friends of ours get together monthly for dinner parties. We take turns hosting, and we’ve been doing this for years. During the last dinner, at our home, I saw a friend poke her husband with her elbow while I was speaking. I didn’t think anything of it — until I saw her do it two more times when I was talking that night. I became self-conscious and quieter for the rest of the evening. I’ve been depressed lately about my husband’s declining health, so I may have been talking too much. But no one said anything to me about it. Then, at the end of the evening, this same woman was unusually solicitous when we hugged goodbye. Any advice on how — or whether — I should address this? I would have hoped one of my friends would tell me if I’d been inappropriate.
FRIEND
I can certainly identify with your self-consciousness about a woman jabbing her husband every time you opened your mouth! The maddening thing about other people, though, is that we rarely know what’s going on inside their heads. She may have thought you were talking too much. Or she may have been signaling her agreement (or total disagreement) with whatever it was you were saying.
But I suspect that her pokes and warm hug may be hitting you harder than usual because of the sadness you feel about your husband and the way your life may be changing. I doubt these factors would make you suddenly oblivious to social cues, as you fear: Your letter suggests a great deal of emotional intelligence. And while it’s nice to fantasize about not caring what other people think of us, the fact is that practically all of us do.
So, rather than clamming up at every dinner party, why don’t you ask this woman what was going on? Be neutral — but direct: “I noticed that you kept poking your husband when I spoke. Was I talking too much?” Worst case: She will pretend that she doesn’t know what you’re talking about. But if this dinner group is really a collection of old friends, she may act like one and tell you what was going on that night.
Old Wounds and Last Respects
My grandmother died a few days ago. I live abroad, but I was able to visit her in January. I am estranged from my parents: For reasons I won’t detail here, I do not speak to my father. My extended family is aware of this and has various opinions about it. The issue: I would like to attend my grandmother’s funeral for closure and to see other relatives. May I? I don’t want to cause any awkwardness.
GRANDSON
I’m sorry for your loss. And I respect your desire to avoid discomfort at your grandmother’s funeral. Estrangements can be awkward for people who feel close to both parties, and can sometimes lead to undue pressure to set aside difficult problems. You haven’t described the conflict with your father, but I would say that if you can be respectful of each other — and ignore the busybodies who want to focus on your beef — you should feel free to attend.
A Collision of Nap Time and Crafting Hour
I threw a birthday party for my toddler. I scheduled it in the morning around a craft project I booked for the kids. A friend has a toddler, too. She asked if I would change the time of the party because her daughter naps in the morning. I couldn’t: The guests were invited, and the craft project was booked. (And naps are flexible at that age.) So, my friend didn’t come. Now she is acting annoyed with me. She hasn’t said anything, but there is a definite chill between us. Did I do something wrong?
MOM
I suspect you know already that you didn’t do anything wrong, and it isn’t my job to pile on. So, even though your behavior was reasonable, try to find compassion for your friend. She must feel bad about missing the party, and people can be disappointed without anyone being to blame for it. Tell her you’re sorry you couldn’t shift things to accommodate her and her daughter.
Ghosting the Ghost of ‘Wild Days’ Past
I received a phone call out of the blue from a man I knew in the wild days of my distant past — 40 years ago! We are both married with adult children now. We had a nice conversation, and we’ve exchanged a few emails. One of his messages made me uncomfortable: I sensed a sexual undertone, but I didn’t address it. And I haven’t responded to his latest email. I don’t want to be rude and ghost him, but I also don’t want a correspondence beyond an exchange of annual holiday cards. Is it too late for that?
OLD FRIEND
Of course not! Just because this man reappeared after 40 years doesn’t oblige you to become his regular pen pal. Find him on social media — or ask him about his social media in your next email — then comment on a few of his posts and call it a day. Not to be brutal, but this is how many of us keep up with the marginal friends of our youth.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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